Never Enough

I'd have to say that my biggest flaw is that I live with the idea that in my most basic of traits, I'm simply not good enough. For years I've sold myself short, humbling myself in the worst way. Not acknowledging my skills and talents, because I was aware of my big failure.

The first boy I ever loved has rejected me. Not once, not twice, but four times in the last 10 years. I was devoted, dedicated, and closed minded. I would do anything for him, anything to prove to him that I was worthy of him.

Truth is, he messed me up real bad. He always kept me at arms length, never committed to me in any way, and I couldn't understand. Friendly observers have pointed out that I let him take advantage of my generosity and never call him out on the fact that he takes me for granted. I guess it always circles back to religion. Am I not enough because I'm not a classic cookie-cutter Mormon girl?

I recently have had the opportunity to explore multiple artistic passions and religious beliefs, and have come to understand that no, I am not enough. I'm more than enough.

Knowing this, why do I still let this relationship failure take up such a large footnote in my history?

I can't let it go. It's complicated. The easiest way to un-complicate it would be to cut off my contact with him. While I thought we remained friends after the first rejection, looking back I understand just how one-sided it was on my part. It circles back to my desire to be worthy of him. Subconsciously, I still seek his approval, though I know I'll never get it. I asked him in the last six months if he thought we would in fact end up together. He said anything was possible. I asked him on a date. He planned it, I paid. We ran into a friend of his and her husband. After we parted, he commented that he hoped they didn't get the wrong idea about him and I. Weeks later, he complained once again that he was single and should be married by now. I literally right in front of him. Ouch.

I requested his time to celebrate the completion of my first graduate class with another friend of ours. He bailed on me at the last possible minute. Despite my pleas for three weeks about how important this was to me, he ignored it and made a choice that solely benefited him. My feelings disregarded because they weren't as important as his desire to go to bed early.

I don't care anymore.

It's time to close the door on this "failure" once and for all. My mistake wasn't being a kind, caring, attentive pseudo-girlfriend. My mistake was thinking it was okay to be taken advantage of and hoping that one day he would appreciate me.

The door is shut, and the lock has clicked.

One more paper!

As the semester draws to a close, I am incredibly excited that I'm about to be finished with my very first graduate-level class! I've been in the College Student Development Theory class all semester, and next week is our last class. I've learned SOOOOO much from this course, and I'm super psyched to take another course next semester and officially apply to be in the program.

With a little luck and a stellar personal statement, I just might get in :)

I'll keep you posted! In the meantime, just one more paper.

Paint by Number #2: Mom's Christmas Present

After finishing the first paint-by-numbers project, I wanted to make one for my mom for Christmas. I chose this particular one because it looks like our old kitty, Lucky. Although the final outcome was a tad darker than I expected, I still think that she'll love it. I decided to photograph it in stages to demonstrate how much progress each painting session truly was making.

 

 

 

New Art

 My bud Melissa introduced me to the wonderful world of paint-by-numbers, and I had a blast doing it!

 

By the way, I am sporting some new ink. I had an infinity heart tattooed on my left wrist to commemorate the 2 year Anniversary of my Bubby, Rachelle Dunn.

It still feels like yesterday.

I remember so much about that weekend, mostly how I cried so much that I thought the idea of putting on makeup seemed pointless. I'd been having such a struggle lately, I wanted to do something permanent to remind me of her. This seemed appropriate. I love you forever!

Halloween 2013

 

Lil' Red Riding Hood took home the award for Cutest Costume and received a 300 piece puzzle!

Also, Kate made a pretty stinking-cute Orphan Annie.

NACADA Conference

So, my office participates in the National Academic Advisor Association Conference annually. This year, the conference was held at the Salt Palace downtown, and I was asked to attend one of the days as part of my professional development. Lucky for me, my boy Bryce was there as well, besties reunited! Overall, it was a great experience. I loved all the different workshops and info sessions, and I look forward to being able to participate as an academic advisor one day and not just as a receptionist!

 

Total Adorbs

 

These two are so adorable, I can't believe that they are 5 and 7 years old now! My sweet Katie-Boo and Maxie-Bear, definitely love my time with them, and boy do I get a lot of it. I wouldn't want it any other way. I enjoy so much being a part of their lives.

Also, Kate is getting pretty good at spelling, and you should've seen the look on her face when she realized that she could use various types of food to spell her own name!

Step Out 5k with Mom

Back in September, Mom and I did a 5k together. The Step Out 5k for Diabetes Awareness at Liberty Park. We made pretty good time considering that we couldn't go very fast due to the fact that everyone and their dog was walking on the same narrow sidewalk.

Comic Con 2013

I deeply apologize for my lack of updates. Ergo, a massive photo dump is commencing.
First up: Comic Con 2013! First off, let me just let you know that SLC has never had a Comic Con before, and it was such a hit that the Fire Marshal shut it down on Friday for going over capacity on the Saturday session. Next year, they said they would double their space at the Salt Palace! Maybe the cast of Once Upon a Time will come :)

Kevin Sorbo, Auntie Doreen's favorite person in the world!

 Doreen finnaly got to meet him

 
Xander from Buffy (left) and The Original Hulk (right)

Mom & Doreen

We met a wookie...

...and Henry Winkler!

I definitely think Doreen had a blast, as did I, and we are definitely going again next year!

Who Am I?

My name is Lindsey.
I was born Jewish, was baptized Mormon, and have an interest in Catholicism.
I have body image issues. I have two tattoos and four piercings.
I have two small cousins who practically worship me.
I love school.
I often don't give myself credit for the amazing things I can do.

For instance:

I can balance a broom on the palm of my hand longer than anyone I've ever met, I can even race and balance at the same time.

I can throw together a fantastic slideshow in less than 24hrs.

I have a meticulous eye for detail.

Regardless of fear, I can perform A'capella in front of large and small crowds with minimal screw-ups.

I can be quite charming when I want something.

I can bedazzle other people's resumes like a boss.

When inspired, I am a fantastic writer.

I get so incredibly frustrated when I'm learning new music pieces for piano, but I push through it just to see the look on my teacher's face because she can tell how much I practiced.

I'm writing an amazing novel that is going to inspire young girls everywhere to seek happiness in the world apart from the expectations society places on them.

I make the best spaghetti and meatballs. Every. Single. Time.

I'm a totally devoted and loyal best friend. Ask Bryce or Meredith.

I'm a rockstar, but I forget that so often that I never feel like it.


Who am I? I'm the rockstar who doesn't know it. Or maybe I know it but I don't always believe it.

Remembering 9/11

Many people posting online yesterday about 9/11 memories. I had the chance to ponder it in my night class for ELP, and realized that that particular event in history may be why I'm such a nervous flyer.

I was in 6th grade. Rose Park Elementary was have their 50yr Celebration because our new building would be ready for us to be in for January. It was a Tuesday, 60's day, and my brother's and I spent all morning making these really neat hippie wigs made out of yarn. I was wearing my favorite light blue and pink tye-dyed t-shirt and bell bottoms.

Ms. Pugmire had the TV on when we arrived in class. It was so out of the ordinary, and I didn't really even understand what was happening. I remember the video clips, and red the fire was in the explosions. I remember watching the building fall, and thinking, "What are the people in NYC thinking as they watch this?"

I kept thinking about the hatred people would need to feel in order to commit an act like this. Was life really that horrible that this was the only option to make a difference or prove a point? How could anyone be so hateful and angry that they would do something so heinous?

Ironically, Ms. Pugmire had spoken of her memory of when JFK was shot early that year. She had said that when horrible historical events happen, you remember everything about that day. Boy, was she right.

I think about 9/11 every now and then, mostly when I set foot on a plane. I wonder what the last words i spoke to my mom were. Did I tell her I loved her? Did I call my little cousins and tell them as well? Did I say goodbye to everyone before I went to the airport?

9/11 will never be forgotten.

5k, Baby Shower, and Double-Date

Today, Meredith and I did the CARMA Center's Run in Rhythm 5k. We beat our time from the Intermountain Healthcare 5k by 5min. It was fun, and I had the chance to break in my new digital pedometer! The goal is to get in as close to 10,000 steps a day, and today I ended up surpassing 13,000. I figure I'll learn what my average daily step total is and adjust my cardio from there.

Later, Mom and I went to a bay shower from my childhood friend, Kylie. It was a wonderful afternoon.

Afterward, Mer and I went on a double date. It consisted of a picnic in the park and a game of croquet and bachi ball. It was a lot of fun.

I'm looking forward to this week because my textbooks will arrive for my grad class! I'm going to focus on putting a positive spin on everything, maybe it will help improve my overall mood.

I'll admit it...

...I've been SO bad about blogging, so here's a massive update.

Back in July, I ran my second 5k for Intermountain Healthcare with Victoria and Meredith.

Me and Victoria (8 months pregnant)

The finish line

Me and Meredith

My Aunt Lieu had her baby, Kingston mid-July. (Right, newborn. Left, one-month old)

I finished my 1000 piece puzzle of Gone With the Wind and mod-podged it and hung it up.

I cut off about 3 inches of my blonde locks (right, before; left, after)

Victoria had her baby, little William Barrett

 

**On another note, this Fall I will be attended graduate-level classes in the Educational Leadership and Policy Program for the next few semesters before I submit my application this next year. I'm beyond excited to do this! 

I've also signed up for Circuit Training 3 days a week at 6:30am, so I will be exercising multiple times a week first thing in the morning before I go to work at 8am.

Shopping with the Peers!

Many are aware of how much I love my office and my coworkers. Tonight, a few of the Peer Advisor came shopping with me.

First we had dinner at Olive Garden, and then hit the South Towne Mall in Sandy.

Me, Erin, Anna, and Kelsey at JC Penney

Erin found a stylish pair of coral sunglasses at Charlotte Russe

And Erin and I each got a pair of shoes, her the strappy sandals, and me the riding boots

and the we hit up Victoria Secret, where I was informed that I am NOT a sz 34A, but a sz 34C. 

I'm still in shock.

Summertime and Fashion

This week, I have been surrounded by hair, makeup and clothes and how to adjust them for the now triple-digit heat. However, here are some highlights of my week:

This is Kate in her curly hair glory. She has been asking me for months to make her beautiful curls straight. Since she was so sweet and polite about it, I finally decided to grant her wish.

Voila!  After a blowout, Kate was just the most adorable little mini-me I'd ever seen, even I was surprised how much we look alike when her hair is straight.

She insisted that I make her look just like me, so I gave her my signature side braid and used a bobby pin to fasten it in place.

She is such a cutie-pie!

Twinsies!

Now onto clothes. Meredith and I went shopping. We went to Nordstrom Rack so that I could spend my hard earned babysitting money on some new work clothes. I ended up purchased a white lace a-line pleated dress, a coral 3/4 sleeve length button down cardigan, and a white and tan striped top. I also splurged on OPI nail polish, a gold color and a pink color that has a blue shine.

The dress and cardigan

The nail polish 

The total was $99.14, and the receipt said the above image at the bottom. I enjoy being called a genius, even if it is a shopping genius and not an evil-genius :)