Just when you think...

...you have it all figured out, suddenly you don't.

I wasn't accepted into my graduate program.

Yes, it absolutely sucks, especially when you've spent so much time preparing and investing yourself into a particular idea.

Let me back up for a sec.

I applied in December, the deadline was in January, the committee decided in February. I was prepared, my app materials were solid, my statement unique, and my letters of req glowing. As this week drew to a close, I knew the email was coming. I was riddled with so much anxiety that I spent the majority of the week in a Xanax-induced haze to prevent an unnecessary panic attack triggers. That alone made me nuts, the prescription has it's own problematic side effects.

Anyway, I had a 4-hr CPR training for work on Thursday morning. I returned around noon and swag that email had arrived. I opened it, and I knew. The short length of the attached letter said so much without saying anything other than "Sorry, but thanks for applying." I stood at my desk for about 10 seconds before my supervisor asked me what was up.

"I didn't get in."

My shock wore off and the tears began to pour down my face. She went into mom-mode and hugged me. I was disappointed and embarrassed. I had a surge of feelings that I needed to deal with, and I really didn't want it to play out at work.

Needless to say, dealing with the rejection isn't really all that bad, but having to tell your family and friends forces you to relive the rejection every single time. Although seeing the shock on their faces when I tell them reassures me that nobody saw that coming. I honestly thought I'd get in, because I'm clearly demonstrating my ability and passion for the field.

Currently in my leadership class (taken through the department that rejected me), we are branding ourselves as leaders. I love the course, the content is relevant and my budding passion is blossoming into well-developed potential. Most of the class doesn't quite see it the same way I do.

I don't fit in a box, I never have and I never will. Why did I think this would be any different? I can definitely hold my own with this class that is graduating in May, and I can do it without complaining every week. I'll be honest and say that I counted the number of pages I was assigned to read all semester, and it was exactly 1000. But I never mentioned it to my instructor/boss ever again. She knows what she's doing, she's trying to teach us how to succeed in this field. Am I the only one who gets that?

Regardless, I feel relief. I'm not trying to force myself to fit inside a box anymore.

The best part? Everyone is simply clamoring to see what ridiculously random thing I'm going to do next.

Five Relevant Fun Facts for February

It's time for another entertaining round of fun facts in an attempt for me to improve my self image.

1- I have naturally blonde curly hair that I straightened every single day for three years straight because the kids in middle school made fun of me. The girls said I looked like I'd stuck my fingers into an outlet, a rough thing for any 12 year old to deal with. Now, at 24, I hate straightening my hair, if anything, I curl it more!

2- I wore braces on and off for 7 years! I was 10 the first time, and 15 the second time. They finally came off for good when I was 17, halfway through my junior year of high school. Lucky for me, they came off right before my senior pictures.

3- I absolutely love the ABC Family original series, Greek. I watched it all though college, and continue to re-watch the series at least three times a year. I totally ship Casey and Cappie, and to this day still watch fan-made music videos of their love story.

4- I'm working on improving my body and working on my muscle tone. My mantra at the gym has become "Be buff like Buffy," as in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I recently watched the entire series on Netflix, and she is AWESOME!

5- I can't dance for crap. Once at a dance club in DC, I pop lock and dropped it and split my pants. I was so incredibly grateful that I had my Bennion Center track jacket to tie around my waist. Anyway, I can't dance, but that doesn't stop me from line dancing, Zumba-ing, and pop.lock/dropping.

Stand Out, Above the Crowd

I feel like I've spent my entire life standing out, but not in a good way.

I am a Jewish-born baptized Mormon. I embrace my birthright, and am proud of my lineage.

Growing up in Utah, the Mormon culture is incredibly present and enforces high expectations. Regardless, let's fast forward 24yrs to the present. I've spent the last 5 months working through my issues with the Mormon culture-infused life I live, and after a long week of pondering and soul-searching, I finally had a revelation.

The Lord made me unique. He knew someone like me needed to naturally stand out, therefore, he sent me to a family with a Jewish Bubby, a Jack-Mormon Dad, and a Methodist Mom. They raised me to ask questions, explore my interests, and follow my heart. They taught me that being a good person is more than just what church you attend, and how to make good choices and respect differences between others.

The Lord needs someone like me, especially in modern times.

I realized this in a dream. When I woke up, I knew that if I wanted to succeed in anything, I needed to apply myself. This was a concept that I was familiar with, and have been for most of my life, and I couldn't believe it took me this long to understand that it too needed to be applied to my spiritual life.

Awhile back, my bishop told me that if I came back to the church, I could never stray again, and that I needed to be more open about sharing my testimony. I left that meeting somewhat upset, mainly because my testimony is very personal.

Anyway, after my dream, I had an idea about how to spread the gospel without having to divulge the intimate details of my testimony. Twitter! I coined a new hashtag (#tweetyourtestimony) and realized that I can share my fundamentals in life and in religion without having to always 'bear' to others in person. Ergo, the result of my uniqueness!

I can be Mormon and still stand out.

"We Think Alike"

I love classic movies.

There is something to be said about old movies, the plots, the wardrobe budget, the language, it all appeals to the film-critic side of my personality.

One of my favorite films of all time is Gone With the Wind. I've always related to Scarlet O'Hara, she's loud, pushy, ambitious, and thinks she's always right. I could have been her in a past life.

In the last year, my life changed significantly. My little brother left on his mission, and I moved out of my parent's house about a week later. I began attending a single's ward and suddenly my dating status was the object of my stress-fests. Through the stressors, the best thing about the changes was finding Meredith.

We became the best of friends and began doing everything together. We had finished a 5k during the summer and were eating breakfast quesadillas back at my house when she mentioned that she'd never seen Gone With the Wind.

I decided to remedy that fact and we watched it right then.

We loved it to pieces, commenting throughout about relationships, courting, and wardrobe choices.

Meredith began dating someone a little while later, and she referenced a line from the movie incessantly. The line was "We think alike." While her relationship with that particular guy didn't progress past a few weeks, she still references that line from time to time. She said it about a week ago when we were at a dinner activity, and it popped into my mind again this morning during my Yoga class.

A longtime friend/former love interest of mine recently announced their engagement, and I was having a really challenging time dealing with my residual feels and the everlasting sting of rejection that accompanied my conversations with him. However, when this reference popped into my head while I was doing sun salutations.

Ashley Wilkes was the boy next door for Scarlet, she was determined to have his love and even after he married Melanie Hamilton she still sought after his affections. He told her that Melanie was the one for him because she and him thought alike. She was completely distraught, and went through two marriages before finally marrying Rhett Butler. Rhett was perfect for her, because they were so alike they could've been the power couple of the Southern Post-Civil War era.

Yet, Scarlet screwed it up.

She couldn't let go of this man who was so wrong for her, and she lost the perfect man for her because of it. As much admiration as I harbor for Scarlet, I've always thought less of her for not being grateful for who was right in front of her.

I was suddenly over my heartache.

I don't want to let dwelling on "what could have been" prevent me from tapping into my potential for the now. Especially when it comes to relationships. I don't want to overlook what's right in front of me because I can't let go of the past.

Grief in Music

I'm not an outwardly emotional person.

I'm outwardly logical and inwardly emotion.

When things don't make sense to me, I have a hard time logisticizing (is this even a word?) and grasping the concepts in order to gain closure. I ask questions, I obsess, and when it doesn't go my way, I grieve.

I'm sure that people across the board just assume that I'm difficult, dramatic, and desperate for attention.

I think they're wrong.

My process is unique, as everybody else's is, I'm sure.

I recently decided to refine my process to cope with the sudden onset of stinging heartache, and stumbled upon my long-lost passion for music of the Country genre. While many expect a little blonde chick like me to live by Disney songs with a few Broadway tunes thrown into the mix, my collection of artists is a tad more robust.

Ergo, here is a small except of my new Grieving Playlist:

Denial/Isolation

• "Grenade" - Bruno Mars
• "Let It Go" - Idina Menzel
• "Does He Love You"- Reba McEntire & Linda Davis

Anger

• "Forget You" - Ceelo Green
• "Heartless" - Kanye West
• "White America" - Eminem

Bargaining

• "Human" - Christina Perri
• "My Immortal" - Evanescence 
• "If This Was A Movie" - Taylor Swift

Depression

• "For My Broken Heart" - Reba McEntire
• "With Me" - Sum 41
• "What Hurts The Most" - Rascal Flatts

Acceptance

• "Someone Like You" - Adele
• "Let Me Let Go" - Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
• "I Don't Wanna Be" - Gavin Degraw

Baptisms and Babyshowers: A Saturday Summary

My day didn't start as planned.

I forgot to change my alarm from 7:30am to 6:30am.

I looked in my closet and immediately realized that I had nothing to wear. Obviously there were clean clothes hanging, but I couldn't find an outfit that was perfect. Why did it need to be perfect, you ask? Because a certain 8-yr-old named Dylan was getting baptized at 9am, and I had promised to be there.

I finally decided on a pewter top, black skirt, black tights, black and gold jewelry, and black T-strap heels. It took me far too long to be happy with my hair, which is why I didn't make it out the door until 8:30am.

Regardless, I arrived at the Stake Center with 10 minutes to spare. I was immediately greeted with smiles on familiar faces, and spent the chapel session of the morning sitting with my sweet little friend Clare, whose baptism I'd attended last spring.

I watched my sweet little Cinder-Dylan (name derived from his inability to run on the grass without losing at least one of hi shoes) be baptized into the LDS church.

Despite my current issues with Mormon culture, I knew how important it was for me to share this day with him. I'd been in his life since he was born, and here we were, 8 years later, still the best of buddies.

After waxing nostalgia with my friends in attendance, I jumped in my car and headed back to Sugarhouse for my friend's babyshower. Hosted by my aunt and uncle, we celebrated the baby soon to be born to their friend/former nanny. It was a wonderful brunch, filled with pink cupcakes and cream cheese bagels for all.

I was exhausted, and I still had to go work out for at least an hour.

Lucky for me, my gym is just down the street from their house.

I arrived home a while later and felt as if I hadn't accomplished anything because I hadn't stuck to my schedule. Even as I write this post, I feel like I haven't done anything today, despite the fact that I am babysitting right now!

Anyway that is my Saturday summary. Look for a more thoughtful and insightful blog post in a little bit.