I've spent the majority of my twenties holding onto the bad part of my past (people who hurt me, mistakes I made, etc.), so much so that I was letting it remain a part of me when it needed to be cast off. Why was I still holding onto these bad things? Why was I continuing to let certain things have power of my emotions?
The answer was simple; I didn't like who I was back then, and holding onto these things was a fantastic way to displace my dissatisfaction so I could be angry at everyone else but me. Realize this on a random day last week rocked my world, so much so that I absolutely had to tell Bryce at our dinner party. I was at fault for allowing the negativity to be part of me, when it does not deserve a place in my body, mind, or spirit.
So, my form of treatment to remove the negativity cancer is modeled after how most cancer treatments go. Prevent it from growing, shrink it, and cut it out. With this in mind, I began looking at some of my options to remove the negativity.
First up, exercise and diet modification. It's not that Sam & I eat bad food, we just aren't eating enough of the good stuff. Now that we have food-prep-Sunday, our refrigerator is filled with produce, eggs, meaty proteins, and dairy foods. I also started doing the 21-day-fix workouts in the morning, so now I wake up at 6am to do my 30min workout before I jump into the nice warm shower. Honestly, it's only been three days but I can't remember the last time I felt this good.
Second, a daily emotional check-in with my sweetheart. Knowing that I only have a 5min window to complain everyday has really shown me that I have more positive than negative stuff happening in my day-to-day activities. Sam is super helpful with not letting me dwell on negative issues, if anything, he has helped stop me from even bringing it up because most of it won't be an issue tomorrow!
Third, relieving the intense pressure I've grown accustomed to putting on myself. I've gotten SO much better about work, but school is the real kicker. Currently, my grade in my Capstone (Thesis) class dropped to 95.1%. Keep in mind that 95%+ is an A, while 90-94% is an A-. I still need to have my final proposal graded.
I started to panic because I no longer had a grade buffer, and the idea of getting anything less than an A seemed like a step backward (my grades have gone up every single semester, and I didn't want my straight-A streak to be tainted). I had to give myself a reality check, and admit that an A- would suffice if it came to that. I actually have to work really hard in school, but people say I make it look easy (I promise you, it's just because I'm organized that you think I've got it all together) and that adds on more pressure.
I've been doing yoga all semester to keep myself in check, and now I've also started taking hot baths to help me relax. Cooking has also helped a lot; I enjoy the process of creating something delicious. Plus, it's like I'm rewarding myself when I have hot, healthy, yummy food to eat throughout the day.
Fourth and finally, putting more faith into my life. As part of our new morning routine, Sam & I have been reading the Book of Mormon together. We read a chapter a day, and then talk about what stood out to us before we pray together (I pray in the morning, he prays at night). I'm learning to trust the universe a little bit more, and I think I feel more at peace.
In the meantime, only three more weeks until the end of the semester!
