Hooding Ceremony

Hooding finally came! Seriously, I was starting to doubt if the blessed day would ever really arrive, and lo and behold, it did.

The week of hooding was busy enough with the MBA final, a much needed massage, obtaining signatures on my thesis approval page, the graduate research fair (poster session), and the Elmers coming to town to join in all the fun festivities.

The ceremony started at 5:30pm on Friday April 29, and concluded about an hour later.

Fourteen new MACL graduates plus Jamie and Peggy.

I am so proud of us, we really are bonded together forever now. Congrats my friends, we did it!

Graduate Poster Session

Getting ready for this poster session was so much work!

I had been working on my poster design since March, and would add something new every other week. I had the brilliant idea to include images of kids cooking, but was unable to photograph the students from my fieldwork (due to anonymity).

How did I remedy this? Well well, a simple text message to Erica fixed everything. She snapped a handful of pics of her sweet kids in the kitchen as they made her a birthday cake, and promptly sent them to me.

The pics were great, and I strategically chose my three favorites before meticulously arranged them on the poster slide.

Something was still missing though.

Finally, my thesis advisor suggested I include artifacts from my fieldwork. Since I'd had students write down answers to questions on note cards, I decided to include some of them. I combed through seventy-one note cards before deciding on the top nine.

When the poster session finally arrived, it was raining cats and dogs!

I carefully wrapped my large poster in Sam's thin fleece blanket, and he carried it out to my car that morning. It continued to rain the rest of the day, but using my maternal instincts I kept it safe.

It was a great session, so many creative ideas and proposals in one place (it was the MACL program, MED, MAT, MPC, and MPH programs too).

My poster, aka Truman's fraternal twin brother, Norman.

We had our pictures taken a few weeks ago for the slideshow, this was mine.

My program bestie, Megan, she reads the blog so I thought she deserved a shout out.

Jana and Pat, two of my favorite people!

Life with Truman post-delivery

I suffer from terrible, terrible anxiety.

It literally hurts me in so many ways.

Stress isn't just stress for me, I obsess about how to make it stop and end up making it worse. This stress translates into my organization power, because I figure if I have it all laid out on my terms, it won't escalate to the point where I can't control it. 

I refuse to give up my control.

Truman being finished is just what I needed. My eye twitch is gone, I stopped having constant panic-attacks and I finally wake up without still feeling exhausted. The last two months have hurt me, both emotionally and physically. The stress from school, work, and extra curricular activities was almost too much. People don't understand that I don't naturally know how to cope with stress, coping becomes a chore unto itself.

But even though Truman is "born" and no longer a problem for my mental state, I still have my budgeting class.

A lot of people don't know that I got so far ahead of writing Truman because I was having such a hard time in my budgeting class. I sought extra help, study groups, even advice from legit CPAs, and even meetings with my professor would help.

I bombed my midterm and it crushed me. I almost gave myself an ulcer trying to do my project early whilst also working on Truman.

The last two months were SO challenging, especially because I needed so much extra emotional support. I frequently cried myself to sleep because it all just felt like too much.


Additionally, I've been suffering from the Impostor Phenomenon (definition below, courtesy of Wikipedia)

• Impostor syndrome (also spelled imposter syndrome, also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a term coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

So, even though Truman was finished early, I felt like he wasn't legit.

Talk about a killjoy.

Of course, I couldn't talk about this with anyone at school. We were all struggling with different challenges, and I seriously doubted anyone was interested in hearing about my problems when it seemed like I had no right to be as stressed as they were.

So today I will take my final (two and a half days early), which meant forcing myself to study instead of doing fun things (like celebrate the fact that my thesis had been approved and my defense passed).

I'm ready to be done with this class, but more importantly I'm ready to be finished with this program so I can move on with my life.

Wish me luck.

Truman's Birth Story

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lindsey who loved school. In addition to loving school, she formed friendships with several of her teachers over the years. One in particular was her 7th grade cooking teacher named Connie. They kept in touch for a little while while Lindsey was in high school, but eventually they lost track of one another.

In 2012 Facebook gave them the chance to reconnect; Lindsey was looking to give back to the community by volunteering at the middle school, and Connie was more than happy to have the classroom assistance. As Lindsey came every Wednesday for a few months, she saw first-hand how much the cooking class had changed. The cooking labs were extremely limited, and the students didn't seem to understand half of what they should have.

Lindsey was perplexed. If the students weren't taking anything away from the class, how and where would they learn these vital life skills? I mean, not understanding food can be detrimental to your health!

Flash forward to the fall of 2014, Lindsey was sitting in her first class for graduate school, and was asked what she wanted to do with this degree. "That's easy," she thought. "I want to be the dean of something!" But as the semester picked up, she needed to find a way to turn her dream of being the dean into a viable thesis project topic.

She remembered Connie, and how the cooking class experience had evolved to the point where it's effective was being questioned.

"That's it!" she thought excitedly to herself.

She approached Connie and pitched an idea to her. What if she did a research project built around cooking classes and asked the students what they thought? Connie was thrilled that Lindsey had taken such an interest in this department of curriculum, and knew that the data gathered would be unique (because no one had ever gathered data like this before).

Lindsey returned to the classroom sporadically over the next two semesters, and knew in her heart that this was what she needed to write about. Connie switched positions and began working for the district, which made it possible for her to participate in a much larger capacity than she would have as a teacher.

They teamed up and began seriously discussing what a project like this could (and should) look, and what data would need to be gathered in order to facilitate any kind of change. Lindsey was up for the challenge; she knew that if she could do this, it would have a huge impact on the district in a positive way.

Lindsey began researching. Twenty peer-reviewed sources quickly grew to 42, and the Internal Board Review proposal began to form. By December 2015, the proposal was written and approved, and Lindsey and Connie began recruiting participants. At this point, the thesis chapters had developed a personality of their own, and Lindsey felt it appropriate to give the thesis a name. His name was Truman.

Four months, two teachers, one administrator, and seventy-one students later, Truman sat at 93 pages long. Lindsey sent him off for final evaluation, and some polishing edits brought his final page count to 95 pages.

Lindsey couldn't believe how fast the time went by, but she also couldn't believe how it drug on at various points in this process as well. It was safe to say that Truman had been born (on April 22), and Lindsey was ecstatic (mostly because it was over!).

The moral of the story is: hard work pays off, so give it your all!

Also, study what you love and it won't feel like work.

Fight to the death! (aka the thesis defense/portfolio presentation)

Last night I got to experience the phrase "take up arms."

Yes, last night was the night I defended my thesis.

Except it wasn't really defending my thesis, it was presenting on my thesis and my evolution in the program.

Simple enough though, right?

WRONG!!

All of the class "preparation" made me worry about anything and everything that could possibly prevent me from passing (which is detrimental to someone like me who has wicked awful anxiety). I began obsessing about everything; what would I say, how would I say it, and how visual could we be in our presentation? It was ridiculous!

Anyway, because you need to answer three very specific questions, I tried my best to build my narrative around said questions. It was hard, because I knew I needed to include specific language to properly articulate my story in a way that would address and answer those questions.

Blarrrggghhh!

Anyway, I had my budgeting class the night before, so I didn't get home until after 9:30pm. I stared at my closet for awhile before deciding on my outfit, and then made myself go to sleep.

I woke up shortly before 6am, and did a 30min Yoga workout to help me find my center (but it didn't help as much as I'd hoped). I dressed, made my lunch, kissed Sam goodbye, and headed to work.

I spent most of the day filled with nervous energy, taking every chance I had to walk up and down the stairs in my building to burn through some of the nerves.

Since I took a regular lunch hour today, I walked over to the library and picked up a book I really like (Something Blue) so I could read it for the 3rd time since the school year started. It made me feel a bit better.

As I finished off my afternoon veggie tray, I realized I forgot to pack my hard-boiled eggs to snack on before the presentation!

Dang it.

I decided to treat myself to a sandwich from the deli in the cafeteria. Gotta love me some roast beef and provolone!

Finally, I gathered up my materials and headed over to the education building.

Me, Lori and Nikki waited anxiously in the room for our evaluators to arrive (they were late, btw). We had already decided that I was going first (eek!).

Sam had made me an origami sword (to "defend" my thesis with), and I had it paper-clipped to my stack of notes for my presentation.

Bubby was most certainly present (especially in the look on my face!)

Lori was nice enough to snap a pic of my and my title slide.

I was supposed to talk about myself as a community leader, how that led to my project, and how that project will make a difference in larger context.

In a nutshell, I had a teacher when I was in 7th grade who changed my life. Many years later, I realized that she had a need in the classroom that wasn't being addressed. I decided to address it so that I could make sure other students had the opportunity to have the same kind of classroom experience. I became an advocate for the CTE program, which in turn made me an advocate for public education. I'm the leader who notices the details, and am able to point them out to the people who are in a position to make change.

Anyway, stay tuned for my post about Truman's birth story, which provides a more in-depth description of my thesis project!

UWHEN Conference 2016

This year, I was invited to attend the 2016 Utah Women in Higher Education Conference up at the U. I was so excited for the chance to return to campus, because let's be honest, lately I'm missing the U more than I want to admit.

Anyway, the day started off with an amazing quote, "I know we'll have a great day because you are all great women!"

This was such an amazing conference to attend, I learned so much about higher education (something I absolutely love but haven't really felt like I've been a part of it for awhile).

First off, I learned that high achieving low-income area students are less likely to be successful that low-achieving high-income students. This made me angry, mostly because I was that low-income student (because of where I lived, I attended low-income area schools). Those who are willing to work hard should have the same academic opportunities.

The first break-out session I attended was about conflict navigation, and I learned a lot about trust, expectations, accountability, clarity, and outcomes.

The second session was a panel put together by a colleague of mine, a panel called "Women in STEM." Four women in geology, chemistry, and engineering talked about girls and how they (don't) fit into science environments. They talked about the struggles and barriers that they experienced and (or) broke down to get where they are now.

One thing I took away from this panel was learning about the Imposter phenomenon. Basically, 70% of females with advanced degrees feel phony. That's 7 our of 10 smart, capable females who don't feel like they've accomplished the amazing goals that they have!

I myself feel like an imposter as I'm finishing my thesis and preparing for my defense. But I'm mostly questioning myself because I'm not having the same kinds of struggles as my cohort. Because I'm ahead, I feel like I can't celebrate my achievement without making them feel bad (which they shouldn't, because writing a thesis is hard work!) or seem like I'm bragging.

It's a hard line to walk for sure.

Lastly, the conference ended with a closing panel called "It's not about you: Handling professional interactions with aplomb." The provost for my institution was on the panel, and she is so neat, I couldn't wait to hear her sound words of wisdom.

Some of the take-away points I got were:

"Be more proactive than reactive"

"Establish credibility for yourself, and that confidence and integrity are key to a thick skin"

"Be centered on knowing who you are"

"Do you step out when you should step up?"

"If you chose to be a leader because you want to be loved, you should reconsider"

"Some things you just have to suck up"

"Make your own space by pursuing a passion where they don't know your day job"

That last one came directly from my provost, and I'm so glad she said that! I also was asked to think about the following questions:

1. What are my principles/core values?
2. What are my resources?
3. Who are my allies?
4. Who is my mentor?
5. Who do I look up to?
6. Who is someone  I can be honest with?

The best advice I got from this panel was "Don't be afraid to make a change." Honestly, I live in fear far too often and frankly it's not a place I want to live. I fear change, and maybe it's time to overcome fear in general.

Seriously though, what a great conference! Higher Ed is most definitely where I want to be.

MBA Final Presentation

So for my MBA class, not only do we have to take a final, but also do a final project and present to the class. For our project, we had to choose a nonprofit and write an executive summary that would determine whether or not the nonprofit would receive a fictitious $5 million multi-year donation. 

I chose Best Friends Animal Society (mostly because I wanted to learn more about the organization), and began combing through a few years worth of 990 tax forms to find the appropriate information to include in my paper.

After some advise from a fellow cohort-member, I had begun working on the project back before spring break. I was only able to do about half of the project due to the fact that we hadn't covered some of the material in class yet, but I'm happy to say I did everything in which I was able.

Anyway, I volunteered to present early so that I could have more time to prep for my defense presentation that would have been the day after the scheduled date. This meant I wouldn't have back-to-back class presentations (which is good because the content is so very different).

Done!

All that's left for this class is the final exam (that I'm taking a few days early) and I'll really be done.

MA Grad Photos

Mere and I did a photo shoot today for graduation downtown at the library. Thanks to Mere for the photos and to Mom Lisa for buying me such a lovely dress. Enjoy some highlights!

I never thought I'd have a husband before I had my Masters degree.

Oh yeah, I've got this.

The world is mine for the taking.

Sacrifice

I've heard the word sacrifice before, but mostly in religious context. We sacrifice vices and pass on certain choices in the hope that we will be blessed.

I've also heard sacrifice in relationships. Some things are not worth fighting about, and some people are worth fighting for.

I never quite understood sacrifice for education until this last week.

I spent most of Conference weekend painting, something I haven't really done since Christmas. Yesterday I drove down to Provo after work for Sophie's bridal shower, listening to my iPod and singing along the whole round trip. Also Kait, Kelsey, and Carmie were there, so we got to visit for a little awhile.

On my way back to the city, I was in a fantastic mood. I hadn't felt this fantastic in awhile, and it perplexed me.

What was different?

All I could think of was how even though there are three more weeks left in the semester and my graduate program, I'd completed almost everything that was due. I submitted Truman's final draft yesterday, finished my thesis defense presentation, added photos to my thesis poster, finished my MBA final project and made my matching presentation (I also had my MBA prof double check my work just to be on the safe side).

I've said before that organization is my super-power, but I even surprised myself with this level of preparation.

Anyway, I realized that I'd been neglecting myself most of the school year. Yes, I've woke up at 6am everyday since mid-November to workout for 30 min, but that's a different kind of me-time. After work, my free time belongs to Sam.

I don't regret how I've done things (after all, the past is in the past), but I've come to realize the sacrifices I've made on behalf of my school. I've sacrificed my creative enrichment (painting and writing), and my social life. I thought for sure that as long as my husband got enough attention and I took care of my body, that everything would be all right.

I had no idea that I was sacrificing myself for myself.

I guess this is the point in time where I'm supposed to say it was all worth it. That I made it through one of the most challenging times in my life and was a success. Unfortunately I can't say that until I've delivered my MBA presentation, defended my thesis and portfolio, taken my MBA final, and finished my poster session. Even then, nothing is complete until grades go in.

I will say that I'm ready to make my well-being a priority again. I'm ready to go back to Zumba class, paint more, work on my novel, visit my friends, have dinner with my husband, and go back to the temple.

I'm still trying to convince myself that it has been worth it, but I don't think I can yet. The fruits of my labor have not bloomed quite yet, so imagine how I feel knowing that the work is virtually finished but I have yet to reap the benefits.

That my friend, is sacrifice.

She lives in me

I had a rough week this week. 

I'm talking sobbing myself to sleep at night for days rough week, and I finally came to the realization yesterday that I just wasn't happy. Work was kicking my butt, and I was having trouble picking myself up off of the floor. My workouts were suffering, as was my healthy eating, and I felt like my light was dimming.

Not cool.

Not cool at all.

I really needed a good recharge, and lucky for me it was conference weekend, so I would have multiple opportunities to do just that as I watched the sessions with my sweet husband.

Anyway, during the AM session, Elder Hallstorm was speaking, and my ears perked up as he said:

Without meaning to, I'd forgotten who I am, and it all came to a head this week. I suddenly knew that I wasn't acting like myself, nor was I in touch with my roots. I come from a family of powerful matriarchs, and I need to start acting like one.

My grandmother was Rachelle Satz Dunn. She was a opinionated, loud-mouthed woman who did what she wanted, when she wanted, but cared deeply for those around her. People saw her one of two ways, she was either their best friend or their worst nightmare. But she was fiercely loyal and strongly believed in doing what was right. The world was a better place because of her.

This was my grandmother.

Illness took her from this world in November 2011.

Words cannot describe the feeling of great injustice that I felt for months after that, and still do sometimes. I relied on her strength to help me through rough times when I was in college, and have had to do that on my own in grad school.

While I try to emulate her strength, I'm also trying to learn more about her and the family that she came from.

This is her mother, Adelia Freidman (also known as Adele Satz). It's strange for me to look at this image, because I see where Ian gets some of his facial expressions from.

Here is Adele when she was younger, I'm not sure how old she was, but I can see glimmers of myself in her face, which kind of blows my mind a little bit. I can also see glimmers of my Bubby as well.

Adele had four brothers, she was the 4th child.

This is Rachelle when she was younger. This too is strange for me too look at because I see Tyler in her eyes.

Rachelle had three brothers, she was the 4th child.

This is my mother.

She has two brothers and is the 2nd child.

This is me.

I have two brothers and am the 1st child.

You know, that's the one thing we all have in common. None of us had sisters, but we each had brothers. Maybe one day I'll continue the tradition of having my own daughter.

Regardless, these are my roots, and it's time for me to start acting like the matriarch I was born to be. It's time to stop letting other people tell me who I am, and start acting like who I know I am so I can transform into the woman I know I can become.

Dear Truman...

Dear Truman,

You have been a part of me for the last 8 months. Ever since the idea of you was conceptualized, I knew you were special. There is a piece of me inside of you.

Back when you were just a cluster of ideas halfheartedly written on a piece of paper, I had no idea how much possibility you had for me, all the potential, the extension of myself, the product of nine months worth of work.

There were many long days and late nights where I struggled with you. I couldn't get you to behave the way I wanted you to. Pieces of you were enhanced, left alone, and completely omitted on multiple occasions. I spent so much time staring at your words on my computer screen that I almost didn't believe it when the process of writing you was over.

I did my best.

You are the product of all my tears, fears, insecurities, and everything that I think is wrong with this program in public education.

But you are also the product of my confidence, ambition, and my desire to make change that matters.

My dear, beautiful brain-child, I had no idea how amazing you would be, but I hoped and prepared every single day that I was giving you what you needed in order to be a success. You are my best creation so far, a physical representation of the greatness I know I have inside of me.

You are by far my greatest achievement, and you symbolize years of hard work, not to mention an entire lifetime of me wondering just how I wanted to change the world.

Now here we are, and here you are!

A magnificent published thesis, coming in at 90pgs. Just look at you!

I couldn't be prouder to call you mine.

Thanks for being the product of my crazy mind.

-Linds