If I really loved myself...

... I would silence the little voice inside my head that says I'm never going to be enough.

I thought about this post for awhile, and felt like the prompt was a loaded question. First, it suggests that I don't love myself enough. Secondly, I don't love myself enough to try to be happy.

So let's address what me loving myself actually looks like.

• I cook everything I eat

This one may seem weird, but since I eat leftovers for lunch everyday, I have to cook or else I won't eat. I take the time to plan out our weekly menu and make our grocery list so that I can shop in about 20 minutes, and we eat much better than we did when we first got married.

The love part comes into play because I know that I took the time to make extra food so that I could eat a hot lunch the next day. It's a comfort to know that I won't let myself starve ;) Every now and then I'll try some new recipes and make some yummy treats that we snack on for a few days. It's the little things; love is a verb. It may be smaller, but it is important.

• I walk my dog almost every day

My cute little puppers stays in her crate all day, so I do my best to walk her every day as soon as I get home from work. Depending on the day, the walk lengths vary, but she always gets around the block at least once. This one may be a little more for me lately than for her, because it usually depends on how many steps I need to hit my daily goal.

Regardless, she gets a good walk most days. Unless the weather is less than desirable, which was our entire winter season unfortunately. Since she's such a tiny thing, she can't go on multiple walks that are very long every day. Really all she needs is one, and we learned during break that she is not a morning dog and cannot focus if we walk in the morning. She takes after Sam for sure on this one1

• I try to get a full night's sleep every night

I'd been exhausted the week before break, and deduced that I wasn't getting enough sleep. I spent most of break sleeping in, but learning that I can go to bed sooner definitely works in my favor. I'm usually just a few minutes shy of a full 8hrs, but I think I'm doing all right. It's horribly unfair that I naturally am waking up before 6am on weekends, because I'd really love to sleep in a little bit longer.

• I make sacrifices for my husband

Sam is much more religious than I am, so certain religious sacrifices aren't considered sacrifices in his eyes. but again, it comes back to time. I take the time to read scriptures with him every morning before I leave for work, and we pray together. We also pray together at night, usually when I'm already in bed. I'm sure a lot of people would think, "Huh, well that's not a real sacrifice." But it is. I sacrifice my time to do the little things that are important to Sam, which means less time for me to get dressed/make lunch/work out/shower/etcetera. He makes sacrifices for me too, and I always acknowledge his small acts. 

Love really is a verb.

So instead of asking yourself, "If you really loved yourself, what would you do?"

Try asking yourself, "What ways do I practice self-love?"

I think the mindset is much, much better.

#springbreakprojects

Spring break provided the best opportunity to nest in the house. I decided to paint the kitchen and our spare room, and after sifting through multiple shades of green we found the perfect shade.

I bought all my supplies (except the paint) at the dollar store, and had a few friends over to help me.

On Wednesday, Mary came over to help me paint the kitchen.

See before (top) and after (bottom)

On Thursday I started on the spare room, and binge-watched the Gilmore Girl's mini-series to help me track the time.

Overall, I think it turned out really nice. 

Now we just need to put the furniture in it to make it look like an actual bedroom.

Gamer 5k

Scoshi convinces me to do the Gamer 5k with her today, and in her holy wisdom of nerd-dom she insisted that I dress up as well. Lucky for me, she had a surplus of costume choices for me to choose from, and we ended up going as pokemon.

Pikachu, Charizard, and Jigglypuff

I got a medal shaped like a game controller!

Sam was a sweetheart and came to cheer us on while we walked with Scoshi's doggie Rose.

Doing the 5k reminds me of the summer of 5k's, which was summer 2013 where I think I did about five or six of them. This one was definitely the most fun out of all the 5k's past.

As a child

When I was a kid I liked to read a lot of books, which is probably why my greatest fictional heroes were Belle, Hermione, and Matilda. I loved to learn, school came easy for me, and I strongly remember the first moment where I developed my grade superiority complex.

I was in third grade.

My teacher was Miss Kitty.

We were doing timed math problems on half sheets of paper. I'm good at math, especially arithmetic, so I burned through these pretty fast. But there was a mean girl in my class who is at the core of this memory. She was really pretty, but not very nice, and her name was Claudia. She was part of the Latino girl clique in my class that formed when I was in 1st grade and they wouldn't let me play with them.

I'd always wondered why.

As we got older, they became even prettier and meaner.

Anyway, I had already finished my half-sheet of math problems and gotten 100%. Miss Kitty counted the problems and then wrote and circled the letter 'A' at the top by my name. I smugly walked back to my desk and thought, "A's are the very best!"

As per our usual routine, I pulled out a book to read while everyone else finished their problems. I watched Claudia walk up to the teacher and hand her the paper. Once again, Miss Kitty counted the problems and wrote a letter at the top. She wrote a 'B' this time. Claudia didn't even notice what the grade was because she didn't even look. She got back to her desk and began reading a fashion magazine while the rest of her clique struggled with their math problems.

In that moment, I realized that I thought it was more important to be smart than to be pretty. What was the point of being beautiful of you appeared dumb?

In that moment, I wanted to be the best at the one thing I was good at: school. It became my lot in life to get straight A's, all the while thinking that it somehow made me special.

As high school graduation neared, I discovered that straight A's didn't make me special. I wish that people had highlighted some of my other qualities as a child, because I don't feel very special now that I'm not in school anymore and don't get any validation from grades.

I wish people had highlighted acts of kindness, acts of service, words of affirmation, emotional support, etc. Maybe I'd be more well-adjusted if I knew other things that were special about myself besides my brain. Perhaps my creativity or thoughtfulness.

One day, I will practice this wish on my own children.

when I'm an old woman

I don't often think about growing old, maybe because I'm trying really hard to focus on the present and live in the now and not the future. But a writing prompt told me to write about my hopes for myself when I grow old.

First off, I hope I live long enough to celebrate being married to my sweet husband for 50 years. That means I have to live until July 18, 2065 (I will be 75.5 years old by then). My Bubby died shortly after her 50th Anniversary to my Grandpa, but at least they made it to that amazing milestone in their marriage.

Second, I plan on being one of those cute little old ladies who work at the temple. At this point in my life I will have started shrinking and will most likely have a little walker to get here and there. Young women will look at me like I am old as dirt, but young single adults will look at me with admiration and think, "oh she's so cute. I want to be her when I get old."

I don't fear getting old, only the moments that lead up to my eventual passing. For example, I really wish I could just die in my sleep. To go in any kind of tragic way would feel like I got cheated out of living my life to the last minute.

Third, I'm interested to see how I will look as an old woman. I have a strong suspicion that I will end up looking like my great-grandmother, as we share many physical similarities. But this also makes me wonder what my mother will look like as she gets older, as I will most likely resemble her the most.

Despite these speculations, I know that by the time I am an old woman, I will have figured it all out. I will be a fountain of knowledge in multiple areas and able to share my experience with the young people around me. By this time, social media will have gotten to a point whe