Life With Baby: Week 8

My beautiful boy is growing all the time.

CharlieB can almost roll over (no joke), and is a very determined little lad. Tummy time has turned into a rousing game called "What will he do this time?" Seriously though, he can inadvertently rotate himself at least 90 degrees from whichever angle he is placed on the floor.

Additionally our lives are filling up with Charlie smiles. With each day, he smiles more and more. Daddy played "follow my finger" last night and was so proud that Charlie could visually track it. How could he not smile when Daddy smiles at him so much?

After 7.5 weeks of sleeping in the bassinet, Mama decided it was time to try the crib. Charlie is a very noisy baby when's he is in sleep limbo, and it was keeping everyone up for longer than was necessary. Charlie also stretches and kicks when in sleep limbo, which was crashing him into the sides of the bassinet, resulting in cries and waking up. We just finished our third night in the crib and he is doing fantastic.

Charlie is getting the hang of bath time. While he isn't too fond of the baby bathtub, he does just fine if one of us bathes with him in the big tub.

The house is definitely different without our sweet Princess, who unfortunately passed away the day after we released her to be adopted. We miss her so, so much. My heart was in pieces and I kept blaming myself, even though Sam has assured me that we couldn't have done anything any differently given how quickly everything happened. We held an impromptu funeral for her last night, reflecting on how much we loved her and how she trained us for parenthood. Rest in peace, doggie sweetheart!

Meanwhile, other recent events are helping me grow gratitude for my little boy. I'm so blessed that he is healthy, and that we are a forever family. We are so excited for his blessing this weekend!

my heart hurts

I am absolutely devastated.

I cannot stop crying.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

We made the heartbreaking decision to send Princess away to the Humane Society.

I know what you might be thinking, 'it's because of the baby,' but you'd be wrong.

Princess has been having accidents, and we originally thought it was because her schedule had been so skiwampus. Yet even after we were consistent with her bathroom breaks, she still struggled. Then I noticed she was a lot slower to go up the stairs, followed by her being unable to climb on the couch or the chair she loves to curl up on. She also lost interest in her food, which is very unlike her.

After watching this for awhile, we took her to the vet to see what was up.

A blood test indicated anemia, and other tests couldn't tell us why. The treatment for anemia is a blood transfusion, but only after they find the cause.

We spent just over $500 at the vet and the animal hospital and we still didn't know the cause.

They gave us medication that we thought was working for a split second, but then her accidents got worse. She wouldn't even stand up to relieve herself. My already skinny dog was losing weight and there was nothing I could do for her.

When the last test came back clean, our next option was a $500 test.

At this point, I began to suspect that she may have cancer or an auto-immune disease. These were the last options and I wasn't emotionally prepared for either. She has always been skinny, no matter how much I fed her.

My heart began to ache because I knew we couldn't spend thousands of dollars to keep looking for the problem, and she was getting worse every day.

Sam and I decided that we needed her to be somewhere where someone could either meet her medical needs or put her down so that she wouldn't die a slow and painful death. I didn't want to watch her die, nor did I want to be the one to make that decision.

I love this dog so very much; she is my fur baby. But being a new mom with a baby who needs so much from me, I hated coming to my conclusion.

I have seriously spent the last three days crying, but I know it is for the best.

Sam took her away last night, and we donated all of her things to the Humane Society.

I can't stop crying.

Life with Baby: Week 7

My baby is growing!

CharlieB is currently weighing in at 8lbs 5oz, so he's gained almost 2lbs since he was born. He can now can officially fit in size one diapers! No more Newborn diapers!!

He had an appointment with an ENT to finish clipping his tongue-tie and his lip-tie, and now he nurses so much better. I was fine until the doctor asked me if I wanted to hold him during the procedure, but I declined. I waited in the waiting room, and I could hear him scream. It was better that way, because it was easier for me to calm him down when they brought me back to the room.

Since then he is better at nursing, but he takes bottles like a champ. I love that Sam can help give him bottles so that I can have a break, it gives me a chance to pump and freeze more milk for when I go back to work. Right now he does 50/50 between breastmilk and formula, and Mama plans to keep it that way as long as possible.

Some of CharlieB's accomplishments are peeing on Daddy frequently, throwing up on Daddy (although it was really just a massive amount of spit-up), smiling more, and being able to rotate his body between 45-90 degrees when he's on the floor (either face-up or face-down).

CharlieB, in a word, is Determined.

I've never met a baby quite like him.

Getting back

Needless to say, trying to participate in extracurriculars post-baby is challenging. Baby duty is a constant trade-off, and we're lucky we've been able to settle into some kind of groove.

However, we've both been missing the extras that make up who we are.

I've been trying to figure out a way for us to make it to the temple on a more regular basis. I have six female names that need to be endowed, and Sam has nine male names. One of my personal resolutions this year is to finish the work for those 15 names.

As we drove home from family dinner in Lehi last night, I brought up our temple attendance. I haven't done temple work since the fall, and Sam's only been once since Charlie was born. We loved our temple dates while we were dating and when we were first married, which is why I was sad we haven't been able to go since we had the baby.

I addressed my thoughts with my husband, and came to the conclusion that the focus needs to be on the temple work and not necessarily on making it a date. We did have friends offer to babysit for us so we can go to the temple, but evenings are a challenge for us and Saturday days are hit or miss for them, so we needed another way.

Together we decided that one of us would attend the temple every week. Starting the weekend after Charlie's blessing, we will alternate temple Saturdays. We will still take my friends up on their babysitting offer so we can go together ever few weeks, but as far as a standing commitment goes this is our solution.

It was nice to make a plan, I even marked which weekends are mine and which belong to Sam.

Our conditions are you can go whatever time you want (morning or afternoon), and you must do the weekly grocery shopping on your way home.

Not only do we now have a plan for the temple, but we bought season tickets to the Desert Star Playhouse and our first show is this weekend!

Really though, it isn't about getting back to where we were before Charlie joined the family. It is about growing into something better.

Life with Baby: Week 6

How is it possible that my baby is six weeks old?

CharlieB reacts to noise, can track movement with his eyes, and is a tummy time master.

Remember how I said he loves to look around?

Well, I catch him frequently just staring at specific spots around me and wonder what it is he can see. We were visiting a friend last weekend, and he kept staring at a spot between the window and the Christmas tree. When she handed him back to me, he turned his head to continue staring at that same spot (I was about five feet away from where they'd been sitting).

He does this a lot.

Like, a lot a lot.

I've been told that babies can see angels, and that's probably what he's looking at.

Regardless, last night as I changed him, he stared wide-eyed behind me. Not gonna lie, it freaked me out a little bit. I half-expected a ghost to be there when I turned around.

Although I've often wondered if my Bubby's presence is near ever since Charlie was born.

I wonder if she's his guardian angel.

I'm sad that he will never know her, he is her first great-grandchild and first great-grandson. He was born into quite the legacy of strong-women. I hope that he will contribute to that legacy.

mommy time

It was an interesting 3-day weekend for our little family.

Saturday was a busy day that involved me going to the eye doctor, and ordering new glasses (for the first time since 2011). Sam and Charlie dropped me off, and then ran their own errands while I learned my eye prescription changed ever so slightly in my left eye. We all met up so that Sam could help me choose my new frames (because otherwise it would have taken me all day because I'm so picky with my style), and then we grabbed lunch at Chick-fil-A with baby in tow.

I had been thinking a lot lately about the best way to feed Charlie. Nursing had grown painful and exhausting, and I was starting to resent my little boy. Hear me out, the reason why was because not only was it hurting/wearing me down, but he wasn't getting enough to eat. My mother-in-law had been visiting for a week to give me a hand, and we had many conversations about my frustrations. When she left on Thursday, I decided that something needed to change.

I had turned to my Facebook friends for formula recommendations; we were going to start a 50/50 feeding arrangement for Charlie where we alternate bottles of formula and breastmilk. I still nurse him 1-2 times a day, but I'm hoping that after his lip-tie procedure on Thursday it will resolve some of our nursing issues and I can bump it up to 3-4.

One of my friends from my mom's neighborhood offered me eleven canisters of formula, so Charlie and I headed out for a few afternoon visits en route to accomplishing our errand. We could't believe how fortunate we were to have been gifted so much!

Overall it was a pretty mellow day, but our night was not.

Our bad night was topped off with Sam sleeping through his alarm and being late for 9am church. We were both pretty frustrated.

Later that day, Sam told me I deserved a break from all the stress I was under.

While he was home for the holiday on Monday, I got to get away for "me time."

I went to see Pitch Perfect 3, bought sushi for lunch, and got a pedicure. I was only gone for about four hours, but it was enough to make me miss my boys.

Staying home with my baby is hard, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't like it.

I love spending time with my baby, but I miss my job. I miss going to work and operating on a schedule. We've gone to school to visit a few times, but all it does is make me want to return early.

I have six weeks left of my leave, so I'm going to try my very best to make the most of the time I have left. I just need to make sure I take "me time," or "mommy time" in this case.

I'm sure the moms who read this would agree that we all need time for ourselves.

a goal without a plan...

...is just a wish.

That's one thing I took away from my Institute class eight years ago. Additionally, my teacher said that writing down your goals increased your chances of actually meeting them.

I often think of this advice in January each year as everybody around me shares their resolutions for the new year. Since I'm no stranger to starting new goals and projects, the time of year doesn't really create pressure for when to start.

However, since it is the season, I've been thinking about what I'd like to accomplish this year.

So far, this is what I've come up with for myself:

• Physical
• Exercise 30 minutes a day
• Drink 96oz of water a day
• Creative
• Enter a piece of work in an art competition
• Create a large scale piece of work to incorporate into our home decor
• Spiritual
• Practice Yoga every other day
• Hold weekly Family Home Evening

In the past I've made lists of 10 goals, and accomplished about 80% of them. This year, I've decided that some of my past tactics to meet my goals may not be the best for this year.

I'm going to focus of the journey to reaching the goals. My big underlying goal is to lose my last 15lbs of baby weight by the time Charlie's first birthday rolls around. It will feel good to be in great shape to kick off my 29th year. I just want to be at the top of my game.

This year will be unlike any other before, because I have a little munchkin in tow.

It's continuing this new adventure.

Life with Baby: Week 5

Where does the time go?

CharlieB is 7.5lbs and gaining every day. He started wearing 0-3 month clothes this last week, and now can coo and gurgle whenever he wants.

He is the boy of many faces, and can go from sweet to sour at the drop of a hat. His yawns are bigger than he is, and is the master of the "fake cry." The bassinet is where he spends his nights, but Mama is already trying to determine when he can move to his crib.

He nurses frequently, but can take a bottle like a champ. Looking around is something he is super good at, and will probably master neck control sooner rather than later. He has wicked upper body strength and can stand if someone helps him.

His hair is blonde like Mama's, his earlobes are attached (like Mama's), and his feet are sturdy (also like Mama's). He also has Mama's skin tone (much to her delight). He yawns like Daddy and is super observant like Daddy too. His goal is to gain enough weight to fit into Size 1 diapers.

It's an adjustment

I knew motherhood would be unlike anything I'd ever expected.

It's an adventure I wasn't sure I would ever be up to having. It was always this far-off idea that was likely to happen, but I never really knew under what circumstances. Obviously I knew I would be married and 'ready' to start a family, but that's about it.

Before Sam and I were dating, I started having dreams about my future children. In my dreams, I had two daughters and a son. Their names were Adaline, Josephine, and Leo.

When I found out I was pregnant, I dreamt of the firstborn daughter my dream had predicted.

When I found out I was having a boy, that dream disappeared. Instead, I keep thinking that I will have another boy in a few years when I'm ready for my next pregnancy. It gave me the opportunity to have a new kind of dream, where Charlie is a big brother and we complete our family.

Sometimes this new dream is a bit of a nightmare. Honestly it depends on the day, but even on a hard day it could always be so much worse.

Things are starting to feel like they are getting better for me, but it's still an adjustment. Structure is finally taking shape in our new dynamic. Even on Friday, I was ready for the day by 9am (huge accomplishment).

I was dressed in clean clothes, my teeth brushed, I had a healthy breakfast, dinner was in the crockpot, Charlie's laundry just finished in the dryer, and we had plans to visit family and friends later that afternoon.

It's a lot of work to take the baby out. I have to change his diaper, which sometimes means an outfit change, and he needs to nurse, which takes anywhere from 15-30 minutes. I've grown wise to always having the diaper bag prepped, and choosing his next outfit before I change his diaper.

Motherhood is an adjustment.

My son is so time-consuming. I vaguely remember what life was like before he was born.

Even a day like today. Our church start time moved from 11am to 9am, and we arrived midway through the opening hymn. Sam was still tying his tie when we sat down on an empty pew, that's how rushed we were when we arrived.

But we made it, and that's what matters.

If my son could talk, he'd probably say he's adjusting to me too.

It's an adjustment, and we get more adjusted each day.

Life with Baby: Week 4

I missed posting yesterday, so here am I today!

Charlie B is four weeks old now, and his little personality is showing more and more every day.

His yawns are bigger than he is, his legs are powerful kicking machines, and his neck movements are pretty impressive. This kid just wants to look at the world that is happening around him.

I've been down a bit because of Charlie's weight. He finally broke 7lbs at 3.5 weeks, but he is still very small. Because of this I've been super neurotic about how much he's eating, how frequently he eats, how many wet diapers he makes, increasing my milk supply, establishing a pumping schedule, supplementing with formula, how much formula to use each day, etc.

It is driving me crazy.

I had my postpartum appointment with the doctor earlier this week, and we talked about how much pressure I was under to feed my baby. The scary part about this whole experience was that I didn't even notice that I was under pressure because it all happened so gradually. Which meant I wasn't talking about it to anyone, not even Sam or Victoria.

When I kept crying spontaneously during the day when Sam was at work, I knew something was up but I didn't know how to deal with it. By the time I finally spoke up, it had been two weeks. At that point, I had an abundance of emotion spilling out every time I looked at my baby. I couldn't look at him without feeling like a failure.

He was small because of me.

He cried so often because I couldn't feed him enough.

He cried because he was gassy and I didn't know how to relieve his discomfort fast enough.

I couldn't look at him anymore without crying.

It wasn't enough. I felt like I didn't love him enough. How terrible that as much as I loved him, somehow it fell short of what he deserved.

Sadly, this perception dominated me, and still lingers.

I try to remind myself that my neurosis comes from how much I do love my son, and how I really am doing everything I can to help him grow and thrive.

I just have to remind myself that it is enough.