Last call...

I've spent many a night thinking about my life and the direction in which I'm heading. It happens a lot lately because I have a teething toddler who likes to wake in the middle the night for bottles and snuggles. Even though my sweet husband takes those nighttime feeding shifts as of late, it doesn't stop me from waking up and being unable to fall asleep.

Those are the moments where I keep replaying the last decade of my life and wondering if I wasted my twenties. Responsible to a fault, fiscally conservative, etc. That is me in a nutshell. I had the sinking feeling that I don't ever have fun.

Having Charlie brought on an entirely new set of responsibilities that perhaps I wasn't entirely aware. More specifically, this tiny human prefers me to anything and nearly everyone. Sometimes Daddy just isn't enough. That's a tough emotional burden for me to carry, especially because sometimes I just don't have anything left of myself to give to him.

While I try to convince myself that I did not waste my twenties, I am thinking "what can I do to make sure I haven't?"

I never traveled, not really. Certainly not out of the country, and only a small handful of times by myself.

The solution was clear.

Europe.

Cruising Europe.

Sam was onboard, so we began making plans.

We found a cruise that started and ended in Rome, while visiting France and Spain along the way.

I still can't believe it's finally happening!

While I don't really believe I missed out on "fun" during my young adulthood, I do believe this year I am making up for lost times.

I'm positive that when I do turn 30 later this year, I will do so knowing that I made the most of this time. That I'm sure of.

365 Prompts: January 1-7

1 (Tuesday)-Your biggest dream 

My biggest dream? Publish one of my novels. 

My Master's thesis is published and available online via the digital book depository for the University of Utah and Westminster College, but it isn't quite the same thing. Five years ago, I was working on a novel that became my baby, unlike my thesis (Truman, my brain-child). I finished the draft before I started my graduate program, and I haven't really touched on it since.

I had big plans for that novel, but I was about to embark on an academic adventure that would take up the majority of my free time. Lucky for me, I was able to meet and marry the love of my life during that time, so I guess I had just enough :) This novel embodied so much of myself at ages 22-25, it was practically a horcrux because I felt like I had literally invested a piece of my soul into those words on the pages.

Five years later, I’ve been thinking about my draft frequently. I think I’ve detached emotionally to the point where I can strengthen the weaknesses without feeling like my ideas are being picked apart. I’m ready to return to my work as a writer.

It’s funny, I took a break from really writing in favor of painting. Another dream kept in the very back of the vault that is my mind is to have some kind of community recognition for painting. I’m working on an idea that I’m considering as an entry for the Salt Lake County Fair. It’s fun to have creative goals, as long as the creative juices are flowing.

This year, I want to make time for my creativity. Spend a little more time cultivating my passions. Be the artist I am. That is my biggest dream.

2 (Wednesday)-What is your vision for the next year? 

This year, I want to focus more on positive energy and how to share it with those around me. Lately, it feels as if the blows keep coming, and I want to recover from them faster. This of course requires a retraining of the brain, but I’m hopeful that within a few months I will have laid the foundation to be successful with this vision for myself. 

Additionally, I’m going to focus on positive body image and confront some of my issues. I took up kickboxing last summer, and I have about five more months worth of classes. It helps, but only when I’m consistent. Basically I have until the end of May to hit my goal. I did finally get around to decorating my gloves. I tagged my name on the right, drew a lotus flower and quoted Mulan on the left. I’m still debating whether or not to do another year, but I’m hoping I will figure it out soon. for now, I’m still on the fence.

For my family, I think our vision needs to be enhancing our spirituality. The church begins the new program/time block on Sunday, which means more spiritual opportunities for me at home. Charlie is still so young, I doubt he will truly grasp this kind of change, but it’s more for Sam and I at this point. Even as I write this, my new primary manual is sitting on the end table, seemingly beckoning me to look at the lessons for this month.

I believe that 2019 may be a wonderful year for opportunity. It makes me think about just how often I am presented with a choice and how i react. I certainly don’t want to squander or regret a missed opportunity. We will see where it will take us.

3 (Thursday)-How do you feel today 

Today I feel defeated.

It was one of those days where I see various circumstances for different students, and my heart aches for many of them. However, when the legality of some of their choices catches up to them, I wished they felt more remorse for their actions. I wish their consequences scared them into wanting more for themselves.

Kids have so much potential, and I really wish that they could all see their inner light. They derail their future success by dimming their own lights because their light keepers are “slacking.”

I will not slack as my son’s light keeper.

4 (Friday)-What is the most important event of today 

Today, I learned how a string of events make up the big picture. Sam’s car was in the shop all week getting the front bumper replaced because we got hit by a tire tread while on the freeway a few days earlier. I was an anxious mess because Charlie was starting daycare and only having one car was going to seriously impact the routine we were trying to establish.

Daycare began for my little dude, as well as the adjustment. Everyday that child looked at me like I was abandoning him. It made me sad, especially at the end of the day when I came to pick him up. I kid you not, he was fine, but began to cry when he saw me. Perhaps he was simply afraid I wouldn’t take him with me?

Anyway, following daycare drop-off, I took Sam to the tax station at the mall before heading to work. It added about 15-20 minutes to my morning commute, but it wasn’t too bad. Evening pick from the tax was harder because poor Charlie was so tired but still had to come along. But as I drove to work today, it dawned on me that Charlie would only have one first day/week at daycare, and I was able to be part of it.

Because of the unfortunate event of getting hit by a rogue tire tread, Sam and I were both able to take Charlie to his new daycare everyday during his first week. We were doing it together, something that would not have played out the same way otherwise. As much as I didn’t want to be the one ‘abandoning’ him at daycare, I’m so glad I didn’t miss out on that experience. I definitely think it further cemented our little family’s bond.

5 (Saturday)-One lesson you learned today 

A lesson I learned today was seeing firsthand what ‘love is a verb’ looks like. Now, I do know what it looks like within my marriage. But I’m talking about outside of romantic love, that special way we show love to other people just because.

I met Victoria seven years ago when we were working at the bridal shop. We became very good friends and managed to stay close even when we no longer worked together. Seven years, a temple endowment, a wedding, buying two houses, and three pregnancies later, we are still good friends. Some might compare our relationship to sisterly, because I’m pretty sure we consider each other family.

Okay, so the love part comes in here. Sam and I were toying with the idea of going a cruise in 2020 to celebrate our 5th anniversary. However, stresses and other nods of life came up pretty heftily this week, and I decided it needed to happen this year.

Sam called a travel agent and we got the ball rolling for a European cruise.

As excited as we were, the issue of childcare popped up. We really didn’t want to bring an 18-month old with us to Europe, but local family said no when we asked if they would watch Charlie. 

Booooooo. 

It was starting to feel like I would never get to see anything outside of the United States. My heart was slightly broken and boy was I glum. Downright blue.

We contemplated taking Charlie to Arizona so he could stay with the Elmers, but it seemed so out of the way. I texted Victoria to see if they would consider helping us out. 

They did!

I am over the moon. Not only do I trust her with the most important thing in my life, but I know he will have a blast with their family for a week and a half. I realize that watching someone else child while they leave the country is a big responsibility, so you can imagine the relief I feel knowing that his Aunty V has his back.

This trip has become so important to me because I know it’s the last opportunity I’ll have to have a big travel adventure before we have another baby. After the next kid, we probably won’t be going anywhere until they are much older. I can’t believe that this is really happening for us!

6 (Sunday)-How is the weather today 

It was a very wintery day today. We drove to church because I knew the weather was supposed to get yucky, but as of 10:30am it had not yet made its appearance. However, around 11am, Charlie-boy needed a break from sacrament and we walked out into the foyer to find that we were in the eye of a gorgeous blizzard. The snow was heavy, but the temperature was not freezing. It made for unchallenging snow-shoveling, but I still shoveled carefully as to avoid hurting my back life I did two years ago.

I don’t mind the snow.

7 (Monday)-What is your goal for next week 

This week, I will focus on getting enough water. Lately, I feel as thought I get so caught up with the craziness at my desk, I often forget to refill my water bottle. I did just order a gallon sized one to help me with my goal of staying hydrated, and it should arrive tomorrow. I also want to kick box twice this week. I recently learned that I have been throwing my hooks incorrectly. Once I adjusted my form, my triceps started screaming at me. I try to go to classes on Tuesday and Friday. Let’s get this started!

A little Christmas miracle

People often regale you with stories of miracles happening around Christmastime, but I've often thought that it's just a happy coincidence. Don't get me wrong, happy coincidences are wonderful. But I worry that the word miracle is tossed around loosely, especially at Christmas.

On Thursday, I collided headfirst with a massive obstacle in the form of my babysitter deciding to leave us, with one days notice. I was floored, it felt so out of the blue, I really didn't know what to say. With Christmas coming so soon, I literally had four business days to find full time childcare before school started again.

I knew of a daycare across the street from my kickboxing studio, so I looked up their number and called. The night manager was super sweet and informative, but asked me to call back in the morning to see if there was any space in the toddler class. I was both hopeful and discouraged.

I called five more daycares near my work, but their waiting lists stretched from 5-7 months. The soonest I could even hope to get in anywhere would be May 2019. Discourage quickly eclipsed any hope in my heart at that point.

I perused Care.com, but very quickly realized that any of the candidates would cost me 80% of my paycheck. Oh boy. Sam and I had made a deal long ago about childcare, I would stay home if we had to pay more than 50% of my income.

I had leads for two in-home daycares recommend by friends, but I had to wait until morning for information. One was in West Jordan and the other in Riverton. Sam was discouraged because either option would add 1-2hrs to commuter time every day.

I cried angrily, and my appetite was completely gone. I think I went 24hrs without any food. I felt like a zombie because when I was finally able to doze off, the baby cried and woke me up. Needless to say, I only slept about an hour that night.

Despair.

It felt like the world was over, mostly because for the next 12 hours I was unable to actually start solving my problem. At 3am I got out of bed and tried to keep busy. I did laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and tried to make decisions. There was a two hour block of time where I legitimately thought about quitting my job. I love my job, but the idea was tempting. Not working would mean more freedom to have another baby without waiting to be eligible for maternity leave. It certainly would be a game changer, but deep down I knew it wasn't what I really wanted.

Hope.

I showered, dressed, and walked to the daycare across from my kickboxing studio. I prayed the whole way, keeping my fingers crossed that I could get on the waiting list, and then go from there. It was 5:30am, and I waited behind another mom and her daughter who rang the bell when I got there. The director let us in, and I asked about space.

Faith.

Because my sweet little boy was an early walker, he fit the parameters to be in the toddler room, which had space available. I paid the application fee as well as tuition, and promised to bring back the signed paperwork later that day. I copied his shot record, signed the dotted line, and my little family dropped it all off before the place closed.

Love.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Anyone who deals with daycare will tell you that this is not how it happens. I especially felt the outpour of love from my friends and family who pitched in to help me find a solution. In a moment, I truly understood what it meant to exercise love for each other. Sweet relief filled my heart as I realized the new adventure my family was about to embark on in the new year.

I grew up in daycare, and my experience defined me as a child. Miss Ann, Miss Shirley, Miss Kris, and Miss Sue were all my moms.

I was so lucky.

I had all these amazing women helping me grow up. Now, I do realize that this may be the exception to the rule, but I know Charlie will have an amazing experience too. He will have opportunity to socialize, make friends, and learn that the world doesn't revolve around him.

Daycare opens up the risk for a ton of other things too, such as more exposure to sickness and head lice. But it is no different than the risks of sending him to school for kindergarten.

We are excited and irrevocably grateful.

I am so lucky!

It really is nothing short of a miracle.

Merry Christmas!

Year 29

I turned 29 recently, and it has been a flood of all the feels.

Don't get me wrong, I have no qualms with aging. But my birthday coinciding with PMS definitely made me examen my life harshly. However, since my birthday is at the end of the year when most people begin to write new years resolutions, I often feel obligated to improve myself and start over whenever my birthday approaches. For this to be the last birthday before 30, and have in be so close to my son's 1st birthday, I was kind of all over the place with my emotions.

As I'm preparing to cross that threshold between young adult and just plain adult, I'm looking back at the era that is my twenties and wondering what direction my life is heading.

At 21, I graduated college after only three years. During that time I made the Dean's List, worked with other students, lived on campus, and then ran away to Washington DC for an internship.

At 22, I started working full-time and at 23 I began taking graduate-level classes as a non-matricalued student.

At 24, life as an official graduate student began as did the courtship between me and my eventual husband.

At 25 I got married, and at 26 I published my thesis, got my Masters degree, and bought a house.

At 27 I became pregnant and birthed my son, and 28 was spent learning the ropes of motherhood.

This brings us to 29.

I often feel like I haven't done anything with my life. I feel as if I wasted my 20's because I never did anything fun. Recently, I've mused this enough to the point where I want to rectify that notion.

I like to think that if something is bothering me, I take action to make it better. So I definitely think I lucked out when I learned that the Backstreet Boys were coming to Salt Lake. I bought tickets and asked my sweet sister-in-law if she wanted to go with me. Needless to say, we are both psyched for the concert in August. Kelly Clarkson is coming to Salt Lake next month, so I bought tickets for me and my mom. Hugh Jackman announced a summer concert the week before our anniversary, so four our 4yr outing that's what we are doing.

I know they seem like small things, but I spent so much time doing the practical things instead of the activities that turn into life-long memories.

Joint Birthday Party

Today, Charlie and I had a joint birthday party to celebrate turning one and 29. The theme was Winter Wonderland, so I began a quest to use as much blue and white in my living room as possible. Guests in attendance were Grandma and Grandpa, the Larsens, the Shaws, the Littles, and the Spencers.

We served crock pot potato soup, rolls, a veggie platter, a meat and cheese platter, and chocolate cupcakes

It was a great little party. Yay for family and good friends and all the togetherness the winter holidays bring. Happy Birthday to us!

Life with Baby: 12 months!

Happy Birthday, CharlieB!!!!!!

I can't believe you are one year old, my sweet happy boy!

Charlie loves solids, and has taken a liking to baby food pouches.

He walks 95% of the time, and practically runs when he does so. He loves music and dances all the time. He is a natural yoga-doer, and is a lean mean 18lb machine. Along with hating socks, he pulls hats off of his head every chance he gets.

He absolutely loves Nana and Grandma, begging for table food, and babbling in his crib.

My beautiful boy, how has it been a year?

blink and you miss it

Dear Charlie,

As we approach your 1st birthday (yes, you are turning one this week!), I can't help but reflect on what the last 52 weeks have been like. Additionally, I've thought about the time before those 52 weeks, 39 weeks and 1 day to be exact. How could so much happen in so little time, and could it feel like I blinked and my life happened?

This morning, I heard you babbling in your crib. After a few minutes, you began calling out "Mum, mum!" I couldn't help it, I walked in to rescue you. You were standing up, sucking on the bar of your crib, with your lovey in tow. You gave me your best Charlie smile as I greeted you, because we are both at our best in the morning. We went down stairs so we wouldn't wake Daddy, and you began to toddle around. You munched on your Cheerios, wrestled with your teddy bear (who is your size), and began whining for me to hold you. When I wrapped you in the fuzzy blanket we shared, you tried to bite my face. I've been told that is your version of kisses, except I know you were intentionally biting my face off. It made me think just how much I love our mornings together.

Our mornings looked quite different over the last year. First they were spent outside in the dark and quiet streets as we walked the dog throughout my pregnancy. Later they were spent in a sleepy haze as you nursed by the faint glow of the nightlight in your nursery. Now they follow the pattern of the morning previously described.

One minute you were that 6lb 9oz little kicking machine with a tongue tie and a touch of hypospadias, and now you are about to turn 1 as a walking, almost talking, super lean kicking machine.

Your daddy and I just adore you, we especially love your full-faced Charlie smiles. Watching you become a little person has been quite the experience so far, we can't wait to see what you do next.

Mama loves you so much, my sweet beautiful boy.