It would have been today

 Today would have been my due date.

My loss at Christmas, which feels so long ago, is on my mind today.

My feelings are very mixed.

It was such a traumatic experience, but at the same time I'm expecting my little girl in 15 weeks.

Still, I feel like today must be honored.

It's hard though, because I truly believe this little girl worked really hard to get here. So even though I believe she should be here already, I know she still found a way. This little spirit has been en route for me for who knows how long.

So anyway. 

I honor the idea of what might have been today. Knowing that her second chance is on the way.

Remember the past, live for today, hope for the future.

...and here we are

 This past Christmas was one of the hardest I ever had to live through. Actively trying to grow your family is emotional enough, experiencing loss doesn't make it any easier.

I experienced a chemical pregnancy a few weeks later, and was just so discouraged. We'd only been trying for about six months, but still.

I despaired for a few days and went through several cycles of grief before finally coming to a decision. If by the 12 month mark of trying it hadn't happened, we were moving on with our life. In the few months of trying, I felt like Charlie was getting lost in the shuffle. I started to feel guilty. I was so caught in the idea of something, I was neglecting what was already there.

So I took a cycle off. I got my two COVID shots, I flew to AZ alone for a baby shower (leaving Sam and Charlie alone for the first time ever), did acupuncture, and continued to crochet baby blankets for what seemed like everyone else in the world. I journaled. I tried to be open to the idea of Charlie being my only child.

As my next ovulation week approached, I struggled emotionally. I started using OPKs, and nothing! Believe me, timing "romantic time" around a 3yr old is no easy feat. I use two different apps to help me track my cycle, and started to wonder if my fertility just wasn't up to par. I stopped tracking, and assumed that my month was shot. Whatever. Time to move past it.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I discovered my two tracking apps were no longer synced. One said my period was due in a day, the other said I was four days late. The latter kept suggesting I take a pregnancy test. So the next morning I did. It didn't even take 30 seconds for that line to darken. I could see it in the dark without my glasses.

I told Sam, although it was the third time I had in the last three months so...

I called my doctor, who told me to come in for a blood test. She wanted to monitor my HCG, and once it hit a certain threshold she wanted me to have an ultrasound. Three blood draws and two weeks later I had an ultrasound. I had made it past the five week mark, which hadn't been the case with the last two. But even though everything look fine, I wasn't convinced.

My first appointment was two weeks later. I had another ultrasound two weeks after that, and then another appointment. At 8 weeks I took the at home blood kit I had ordered a few months earlier, and was told my baby was a boy. I had terrible heart burn, food aversion, and nausea. My face broke out and I tried to navigate my way through the worst hormonal acne I've ever had. People at work could tell I wasn't myself. While a handful of people knew, I hadn't 'announced.' It wasn't until one particularly rough day of nausea, where one of male colleagues kept asking me if I was okay. Unfortunately during COVID times, you can't inconspicuously say you feel under the weather. So at nine weeks people at work heard the news.

First trimester was the worst. I told Sam multiple times that this kid was the last one.

Finally, last weekend I hit my 14 week mark while we were visiting family in AZ. Alexa was insistent that the blood test should be disregarded. She firmly believed that it was wrong, so she got me an ultrasound appointment.

When the sonographer told me it was a girl, I was shocked. She checked three different ways. We weren't unhappy to be having a boy, but we definitely were overjoyed at the thought of a girl.

So here we are. Coming up on 16 weeks of pregnancy with baby girl. I'm finally feeling better. The food aversion is still there, but not as bad as before.

Charlie still doesn't understand what happened to his brother, and why he's now getting a sister.

I still can't believe I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy.

Five days later

I've been trying for another kid for the last few months.

All I wanted for my birthday/Christmas was to see those two lines on a pregnancy test. I so badly wanted to know that my life was moving forward, that the plan to have a second baby was going to play out in my favor. I got my wish. The Monday before Christmas delivered me a faint but positive pregnancy test.

We were over the moon.

On Christmas Eve I took another test, and this one was very obviously positive.

The next day we told our parents during Christmas festivities, and the joy in the air was nearly euphoric.

Then.

It. 

Happened.

Or rather it began.

The bleeding.

The visual horror of red paired with the absence of pain created fear mixed with uncertainty. The tears were real, so was the sorrow.

Long story short, five days after I learned I was going to have another baby, I passed the pregnancy. The clotting stopped and my HcG levels dropped to nothing. The physical part was over.

The doctor called it a "spontaneous abortion," most likely caused by a chromosomal abnormality.

My heart was broken.

For five days, I was having another baby. I had the worst nausea, so bad that I wondered if I was going to get a girl. We told our families. We talked to Charlie about a baby. Then it was just gone. All the daydreams of baby #2 disappeared right in front of me. My baby was given to me, and taken away five days later.

We had to give back our joy. I had to give back my hopes and dreams. I felt like everything had been repossessed from me before I could even get used to the idea. 

But I'm not angry.

I'm hopeful that in the very near future my time will come. That it won't take as long as I thought it might.

I am now part of that group of 1 in 4 women who have suffered a loss.

I know my rainbow baby is coming.

But this sorrow is so real.

I really hope the year 2021 is a better year for me and my family.

The COVID-19 Pandemic

Oh boy, so much happens when you take a six month blogging hiatus to focus on your family.

I feel like major life obstacles appear and make it impossible to further document the day to day happenings, so maybe it's more realistic to blog twice a month or something.

We left off in November. The Elmers came to Utah for Thanksgiving, and then we went to them in Arizona for Christmas. We came home on New Year's Eve, and a few weeks later Sam headed to Hawaii for Max's wedding. A major blizzard hit the night before he flew in, and it was the worst to try to drive in. So I took a snow day to just appease my anxiety about driving in the yuck that was my reality.

Then came COVID-19.

It hit a point in the news where I realized that this ordeal would play a significant role in history. There have been comparisons to Spanish Influenza, and I will admit that I don't really know much about that.

What we quickly learned as March began, is that this virus is a super nasty respiratory virus. As it inched closer and closer from China to Utah, people began to discuss it more and more.

Then (and this is the worst part of the last six months), Alexa lost her baby. A mere seven weeks prior to her due date, my precious unborn niece's heart stopped beating. We were totally and completely devastated. I made the decision to fly to Phoenix for the day to attend the funeral, because Alexa and I are so close, I couldn't imagine not being there for her during this particular life event.

Baby Emmy was delivered on a Tuesday morning, and her graveside service was scheduled for Saturday. On Friday, my school district went on a soft dismissal to further prevent exposure risk for COVID-19. I can't tell you how surreal it was to hear that announcement, and then be on a plane less than 12 hours later. Many voiced a concern for me to fly, but it was so very important that I be there.

March was such an emotional month for our family, and to top it off with soft dismissal and the new directive to work from home, life got turned upside down. Plus an earthquake, but more on that later.

Here we are mid-April, and I'm still reluctant to accept my new normal.

My anger at the world piques in small but random moments. Frustrations of not getting any kind of emotional break keep resurfacing. I've been reassured repeatedly that what I feel is normal, and I'm certainly not the only one harboring these feelings.

My trip to Boston got cancelled, as did the family reunion, and now life is essentially on hold. I'm hoping that by June things will relax more so we can at least squeeze in a summer getaway to Arizona. If not, I guess our Thanksgiving trip will be extended and double as a legit vacation. More to the point, I really want to head off to DC in October for little Max's birthday.

Despite all the emotional struggles, there are little things about this time that I am trying to appreciate.

Working from home means no commute time. That means more time with my boys, but less time for myself. I had no idea that my 20 minute drive each way to and from work counted as time to myself.

Since we are both working from home, it means lunches together more frequently.

It means no pressure to always be go-go-go on the weekends, that C is just as happy playing in the backyard as he is when we have our outings.

Back to the earthquake.

Three days into soft dismissal, we had a 5.7 earthquake where Magna was the epicenter.

I had just gotten to work, and it had already been a rough morning.

Work drama and general uncertainty about the world had me totally and completely unmotivated to get out of bed. Seriously though, I dragged my feet all morning. I was depressed and anxious, very unlike me.

Then it hit.

I was chatting with my sweet coworker, a much older grandmother when the noise began, I thought for a second that it was just a noisy truck in the parking lot. I turned to look back at her, and stuff started falling off of cabinets right above her head. The last image I saw before diving under my desk was her running.

What a year so far.

Growing Pains

Disclaimer: this is a long one!

Earlier in the year, I had commented on my minimal online presence. I attributed my lack of interest in blogging to the fact that I experienced a bit of a mental breakdown. After that, I just got caught up in living my life, which I know you as my readers can relate to me but I know some of you still keep up with my adventures. Forgive me, I had delusions of grandeur surrounding possibly starting a video blog. While I filmed and edited my first episode with fantastic enthusiasm, I realized that perhaps this particular dream would be better suited for a personal project rather than part of my online presence.

And we're back!

Previously on my life, we left off on the last week of the school year. I had just accepted a new job and was finishing out my contract as a school secretary (whilst training my replacement). Sam and I were counting down the days to our European adventure, and we spent a lot of time talking about home improvements.

I concluded my school time, which was super bittersweet because my principal wasn't there my last week. I had been her secretary for three years, and it was NOT easy accepting the fact that she would no longer be my "work-wife." I remind myself every day that it's only a goodbye if you make it into one, so we do a lot of "see you laters."

Meanwhile my replacement, KC, is doing a FANTASTIC job. I know I left my school in good hands, and rarely give the office a second thought because I know she's taking care of them all.

Enter vacation mode.

We had never left Charlie overnight before, and he was slated to stay with Victoria and her crew for nine days. Dropping him off the night before our flight was hard, but we got over it and by the time we had landed in Italy he was already bossing the other boys around.

We flew from SLC to Chicago, and then from Chicago to Rome. I was SO tired when we arrived. By the time we took the train and the metro, and walked from the metro to the hotel, I was beat! Yet we still had half a day to sightsee.

Sam was in charge that first day, so he had arranged tickets to the Vatican. It was so neat to see so much European history in one place. I loved the Sistine Chapel, and Saint Peter's Basilica just as much. I would have been fun to wait a day and be there when the Pope was holding Mass. Regardless, after we walked back to our hotel we were ready to eat. We found this quaint little restaurant a few blocks up from our hotel, and had authentic Italian food. At least I did, I'm pretty sure Sam ordered a hamburger.

I was in charge for day two, so we did a self-guided walking tour. We got to see the Colosseum, the Spanish Steps, the Trevi Fountain, and a bunch of other sites. Next up was Pisa, where we got to go to the Leaning Tower and eat lots of gelato. Then Cannes, France gave us the chance to explore the french riviera and participate in an international art auction. Enter Barcelona, Spain! I got the coolest little watercolors at a shop in the main square while we were on our tour of the city. Palma Majorca was in there somewhere, where we got to walk to a really cool castle. Pompeii was Sam's big adventure, it was super interesting to walk through the ruins.

Needless to say, we were so beat by the time we flew to Amsterdam before boarding our flight back to Utah. Charlie had a blast while we were gone, especially because it meant bossing around his three god-brothers for a week. We came back on a Wednesday night, giving me four days to recover from my jet-lag before I started my new job.

Retrospectively, it was nice to have such a jam-packed two-week summer break, but I sort of wished I'd had a little bit more time for myself. But I did get to go to the Backstreet Boys concert with Victoria at the start of August (which was the bomb!).

Growing into the job has been challenging. There are many days I drive home, feeling defeated, questioning my life choices, and wondering what I'm doing with my life. Although, I could attribute a lot of my self-doubt to the fact that my baby turned into a toddler seemingly overnight.

Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about having another baby. Mostly because Charlie really should have a sibling, and lately because I wonder what another combination of Sam and I would be like. Some of you might say, "Why would you consider having another baby when you are so overwhelmed with the one you already have?" But my answer to that would be that toddlers are hard. Period.

It has been suggested to me that, perhaps, I should be done having children. But I can't bring myself to that conclusion, after all, Charlie will grow up in the blink of an eye. He deserves to have a little brother or sister to have adventures with. This is NOT an announcement, nor will there be one for probably another year.

Family planning aside, I have been experiencing so much personal growth. Motherhood, professionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally.

Motherhood.

Toddler-hood is an entirely different beast from babyhood. Charlie is so independent and determined, at times I feel like he is every parent's dream. Other times, I struggle because he will suddenly decide to be super clingy and demand to be held at the most inopportune times. For example, when I'm trying to cook dinner he suddenly wants to be held. Unfortunately I just don't have enough arms to do both.

We needed to upgrade our stroller, so I found a pretty sweet jogging stroller on Facebook Marketplace for $50, and now Charlie enjoys our walks so much more. The ride is pretty nice to, and my Fitbit now registers our walks as biking for some reason ;)

In an effort to get more out of our weekends, we bought a membership to the zoo. We've gone a few times, and have plans to go twice this month. Charlie loves the animals, so it's been a good investment thus far. Additionally we are spending more time together outside to enjoy the last of the mild weather. We're also planning on buying a membership to the aquarium, so that's something to look forward to.

I'm convinced that we need to get to a harmonious place as a family before we can even consider bringing home another member. So we are laying some solid groundwork.

Professionally

I took over a position that had been occupied for 20yrs by the same person, vacated only by retirement. Big shoes to fill, intense pressure succeed, and an entirely new inter-office dynamic to try to wrap my head around. It's been four months, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I have a clue.

I keep reminding myself that it will probably takes at least 6 months to feel comfortable, so now is not the time to stress about the desk being clean or the pile of papers that still needs to be filed. It will get there. The relationships with my colleagues won't bloom overnight, I'm planting seeds and building trust.

Although, recently in doing my self-evaluation for my mandatory twice a year review, I think I've reignited my passion for my work. I have grand plans to roll out for my department in the next year, and it feels so good to be excited about going to work again.

Physically

Sam and I did the Keto challenge for most of October, and we learned so much about food, but that will be another post. I've started working out with my neighbor and really burning through kickboxing, so I'm really liking my changing physique.

Specifically regarding the growing pains, my baby is growing up so fast!

In the last six weeks Charlie upgraded to a toddler bed, stopped using a bottle, moved up to the big class at daycare, and outgrew his size 4 shoes.

Talk about growing pains!

moving on...

My presence has been minimal lately, but I've been trying to soul-search and improve the various elements of my life. As a result, much has happened.

First off with the most significant change, I got a new job. An opportunity at the district office came up, and after receiving an offer and sleeping on it, I decided it was time to conclude my school years. There is an immeasurable level of guilt weighing on me, but I know that it is what's best for my little family. I've been telling teachers and parents for the last two weeks that I won't be returning next year, and the response has been strong (which makes me feel just a bit special). I'll transition into my new position after we get back from Italy.

I'm also trying to devote more time to my creativity. Sam and I are writing a parody that we are going to submit to Desert Star Playhouse (think Harry Potter meets Saved by the Bell), and I'm painting again. Additionally, I'm getting a bit crafty and tackling some home decor projects.

I'm actually thinking about starting a video blog that highlights the different facets of my life, I just need to get find an editing program.

The hope is that I will start to feel more like myself again as I begin to re-explore the various avenues leading out of my heart and experiment with the various components of my substance. Heres hoping that the writing in my blog rises back on par sooner rather than later, as this is the legacy I am forging.

In the meantime, my toddler will be 18 months old in two weeks! He has two teeth, and just learned how to say "uh-oh." He loves cats, his teddy bear, saltine crackers, and Baby Shark. If he would just get over this stage of sleep regression, that's be great.

It's been a minute

I haven't blogged in awhile.

Forgive me, but I've been going through something. My more recent posts are a mere snapshot of the sock drawer of emotion that is my life.

Let's just cut to the chase and say I've been stressed and then I was suddenly overwhelmed. My coping skills were in the toilet and everything felt like the end of the world. This culminated in feeling so lost and hopeless that I was willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything.

Keep in mind, I squashed any idea that was dangerous. But for a minute, I considered anything.

I'm still struggling. But being conscientious of my issues right now and aware of my lack of coping skills helps somewhat.

I'm trying.

But I'm weathering my storm right now, and it's a big one.

Thanks for listening.