It would have been today

 Today would have been my due date.

My loss at Christmas, which feels so long ago, is on my mind today.

My feelings are very mixed.

It was such a traumatic experience, but at the same time I'm expecting my little girl in 15 weeks.

Still, I feel like today must be honored.

It's hard though, because I truly believe this little girl worked really hard to get here. So even though I believe she should be here already, I know she still found a way. This little spirit has been en route for me for who knows how long.

So anyway. 

I honor the idea of what might have been today. Knowing that her second chance is on the way.

Remember the past, live for today, hope for the future.

...and here we are

 This past Christmas was one of the hardest I ever had to live through. Actively trying to grow your family is emotional enough, experiencing loss doesn't make it any easier.

I experienced a chemical pregnancy a few weeks later, and was just so discouraged. We'd only been trying for about six months, but still.

I despaired for a few days and went through several cycles of grief before finally coming to a decision. If by the 12 month mark of trying it hadn't happened, we were moving on with our life. In the few months of trying, I felt like Charlie was getting lost in the shuffle. I started to feel guilty. I was so caught in the idea of something, I was neglecting what was already there.

So I took a cycle off. I got my two COVID shots, I flew to AZ alone for a baby shower (leaving Sam and Charlie alone for the first time ever), did acupuncture, and continued to crochet baby blankets for what seemed like everyone else in the world. I journaled. I tried to be open to the idea of Charlie being my only child.

As my next ovulation week approached, I struggled emotionally. I started using OPKs, and nothing! Believe me, timing "romantic time" around a 3yr old is no easy feat. I use two different apps to help me track my cycle, and started to wonder if my fertility just wasn't up to par. I stopped tracking, and assumed that my month was shot. Whatever. Time to move past it.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I discovered my two tracking apps were no longer synced. One said my period was due in a day, the other said I was four days late. The latter kept suggesting I take a pregnancy test. So the next morning I did. It didn't even take 30 seconds for that line to darken. I could see it in the dark without my glasses.

I told Sam, although it was the third time I had in the last three months so...

I called my doctor, who told me to come in for a blood test. She wanted to monitor my HCG, and once it hit a certain threshold she wanted me to have an ultrasound. Three blood draws and two weeks later I had an ultrasound. I had made it past the five week mark, which hadn't been the case with the last two. But even though everything look fine, I wasn't convinced.

My first appointment was two weeks later. I had another ultrasound two weeks after that, and then another appointment. At 8 weeks I took the at home blood kit I had ordered a few months earlier, and was told my baby was a boy. I had terrible heart burn, food aversion, and nausea. My face broke out and I tried to navigate my way through the worst hormonal acne I've ever had. People at work could tell I wasn't myself. While a handful of people knew, I hadn't 'announced.' It wasn't until one particularly rough day of nausea, where one of male colleagues kept asking me if I was okay. Unfortunately during COVID times, you can't inconspicuously say you feel under the weather. So at nine weeks people at work heard the news.

First trimester was the worst. I told Sam multiple times that this kid was the last one.

Finally, last weekend I hit my 14 week mark while we were visiting family in AZ. Alexa was insistent that the blood test should be disregarded. She firmly believed that it was wrong, so she got me an ultrasound appointment.

When the sonographer told me it was a girl, I was shocked. She checked three different ways. We weren't unhappy to be having a boy, but we definitely were overjoyed at the thought of a girl.

So here we are. Coming up on 16 weeks of pregnancy with baby girl. I'm finally feeling better. The food aversion is still there, but not as bad as before.

Charlie still doesn't understand what happened to his brother, and why he's now getting a sister.

I still can't believe I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy.

Five days later

I've been trying for another kid for the last few months.

All I wanted for my birthday/Christmas was to see those two lines on a pregnancy test. I so badly wanted to know that my life was moving forward, that the plan to have a second baby was going to play out in my favor. I got my wish. The Monday before Christmas delivered me a faint but positive pregnancy test.

We were over the moon.

On Christmas Eve I took another test, and this one was very obviously positive.

The next day we told our parents during Christmas festivities, and the joy in the air was nearly euphoric.

Then.

It. 

Happened.

Or rather it began.

The bleeding.

The visual horror of red paired with the absence of pain created fear mixed with uncertainty. The tears were real, so was the sorrow.

Long story short, five days after I learned I was going to have another baby, I passed the pregnancy. The clotting stopped and my HcG levels dropped to nothing. The physical part was over.

The doctor called it a "spontaneous abortion," most likely caused by a chromosomal abnormality.

My heart was broken.

For five days, I was having another baby. I had the worst nausea, so bad that I wondered if I was going to get a girl. We told our families. We talked to Charlie about a baby. Then it was just gone. All the daydreams of baby #2 disappeared right in front of me. My baby was given to me, and taken away five days later.

We had to give back our joy. I had to give back my hopes and dreams. I felt like everything had been repossessed from me before I could even get used to the idea. 

But I'm not angry.

I'm hopeful that in the very near future my time will come. That it won't take as long as I thought it might.

I am now part of that group of 1 in 4 women who have suffered a loss.

I know my rainbow baby is coming.

But this sorrow is so real.

I really hope the year 2021 is a better year for me and my family.

The COVID-19 Pandemic

Oh boy, so much happens when you take a six month blogging hiatus to focus on your family.

I feel like major life obstacles appear and make it impossible to further document the day to day happenings, so maybe it's more realistic to blog twice a month or something.

We left off in November. The Elmers came to Utah for Thanksgiving, and then we went to them in Arizona for Christmas. We came home on New Year's Eve, and a few weeks later Sam headed to Hawaii for Max's wedding. A major blizzard hit the night before he flew in, and it was the worst to try to drive in. So I took a snow day to just appease my anxiety about driving in the yuck that was my reality.

Then came COVID-19.

It hit a point in the news where I realized that this ordeal would play a significant role in history. There have been comparisons to Spanish Influenza, and I will admit that I don't really know much about that.

What we quickly learned as March began, is that this virus is a super nasty respiratory virus. As it inched closer and closer from China to Utah, people began to discuss it more and more.

Then (and this is the worst part of the last six months), Alexa lost her baby. A mere seven weeks prior to her due date, my precious unborn niece's heart stopped beating. We were totally and completely devastated. I made the decision to fly to Phoenix for the day to attend the funeral, because Alexa and I are so close, I couldn't imagine not being there for her during this particular life event.

Baby Emmy was delivered on a Tuesday morning, and her graveside service was scheduled for Saturday. On Friday, my school district went on a soft dismissal to further prevent exposure risk for COVID-19. I can't tell you how surreal it was to hear that announcement, and then be on a plane less than 12 hours later. Many voiced a concern for me to fly, but it was so very important that I be there.

March was such an emotional month for our family, and to top it off with soft dismissal and the new directive to work from home, life got turned upside down. Plus an earthquake, but more on that later.

Here we are mid-April, and I'm still reluctant to accept my new normal.

My anger at the world piques in small but random moments. Frustrations of not getting any kind of emotional break keep resurfacing. I've been reassured repeatedly that what I feel is normal, and I'm certainly not the only one harboring these feelings.

My trip to Boston got cancelled, as did the family reunion, and now life is essentially on hold. I'm hoping that by June things will relax more so we can at least squeeze in a summer getaway to Arizona. If not, I guess our Thanksgiving trip will be extended and double as a legit vacation. More to the point, I really want to head off to DC in October for little Max's birthday.

Despite all the emotional struggles, there are little things about this time that I am trying to appreciate.

Working from home means no commute time. That means more time with my boys, but less time for myself. I had no idea that my 20 minute drive each way to and from work counted as time to myself.

Since we are both working from home, it means lunches together more frequently.

It means no pressure to always be go-go-go on the weekends, that C is just as happy playing in the backyard as he is when we have our outings.

Back to the earthquake.

Three days into soft dismissal, we had a 5.7 earthquake where Magna was the epicenter.

I had just gotten to work, and it had already been a rough morning.

Work drama and general uncertainty about the world had me totally and completely unmotivated to get out of bed. Seriously though, I dragged my feet all morning. I was depressed and anxious, very unlike me.

Then it hit.

I was chatting with my sweet coworker, a much older grandmother when the noise began, I thought for a second that it was just a noisy truck in the parking lot. I turned to look back at her, and stuff started falling off of cabinets right above her head. The last image I saw before diving under my desk was her running.

What a year so far.

Growing Pains

Disclaimer: this is a long one!

Earlier in the year, I had commented on my minimal online presence. I attributed my lack of interest in blogging to the fact that I experienced a bit of a mental breakdown. After that, I just got caught up in living my life, which I know you as my readers can relate to me but I know some of you still keep up with my adventures. Forgive me, I had delusions of grandeur surrounding possibly starting a video blog. While I filmed and edited my first episode with fantastic enthusiasm, I realized that perhaps this particular dream would be better suited for a personal project rather than part of my online presence.

And we're back!

Previously on my life, we left off on the last week of the school year. I had just accepted a new job and was finishing out my contract as a school secretary (whilst training my replacement). Sam and I were counting down the days to our European adventure, and we spent a lot of time talking about home improvements.

I concluded my school time, which was super bittersweet because my principal wasn't there my last week. I had been her secretary for three years, and it was NOT easy accepting the fact that she would no longer be my "work-wife." I remind myself every day that it's only a goodbye if you make it into one, so we do a lot of "see you laters."

Meanwhile my replacement, KC, is doing a FANTASTIC job. I know I left my school in good hands, and rarely give the office a second thought because I know she's taking care of them all.

Enter vacation mode.

We had never left Charlie overnight before, and he was slated to stay with Victoria and her crew for nine days. Dropping him off the night before our flight was hard, but we got over it and by the time we had landed in Italy he was already bossing the other boys around.

We flew from SLC to Chicago, and then from Chicago to Rome. I was SO tired when we arrived. By the time we took the train and the metro, and walked from the metro to the hotel, I was beat! Yet we still had half a day to sightsee.

Sam was in charge that first day, so he had arranged tickets to the Vatican. It was so neat to see so much European history in one place. I loved the Sistine Chapel, and Saint Peter's Basilica just as much. I would have been fun to wait a day and be there when the Pope was holding Mass. Regardless, after we walked back to our hotel we were ready to eat. We found this quaint little restaurant a few blocks up from our hotel, and had authentic Italian food. At least I did, I'm pretty sure Sam ordered a hamburger.

I was in charge for day two, so we did a self-guided walking tour. We got to see the Colosseum, the Spanish Steps, the Trevi Fountain, and a bunch of other sites. Next up was Pisa, where we got to go to the Leaning Tower and eat lots of gelato. Then Cannes, France gave us the chance to explore the french riviera and participate in an international art auction. Enter Barcelona, Spain! I got the coolest little watercolors at a shop in the main square while we were on our tour of the city. Palma Majorca was in there somewhere, where we got to walk to a really cool castle. Pompeii was Sam's big adventure, it was super interesting to walk through the ruins.

Needless to say, we were so beat by the time we flew to Amsterdam before boarding our flight back to Utah. Charlie had a blast while we were gone, especially because it meant bossing around his three god-brothers for a week. We came back on a Wednesday night, giving me four days to recover from my jet-lag before I started my new job.

Retrospectively, it was nice to have such a jam-packed two-week summer break, but I sort of wished I'd had a little bit more time for myself. But I did get to go to the Backstreet Boys concert with Victoria at the start of August (which was the bomb!).

Growing into the job has been challenging. There are many days I drive home, feeling defeated, questioning my life choices, and wondering what I'm doing with my life. Although, I could attribute a lot of my self-doubt to the fact that my baby turned into a toddler seemingly overnight.

Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about having another baby. Mostly because Charlie really should have a sibling, and lately because I wonder what another combination of Sam and I would be like. Some of you might say, "Why would you consider having another baby when you are so overwhelmed with the one you already have?" But my answer to that would be that toddlers are hard. Period.

It has been suggested to me that, perhaps, I should be done having children. But I can't bring myself to that conclusion, after all, Charlie will grow up in the blink of an eye. He deserves to have a little brother or sister to have adventures with. This is NOT an announcement, nor will there be one for probably another year.

Family planning aside, I have been experiencing so much personal growth. Motherhood, professionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally.

Motherhood.

Toddler-hood is an entirely different beast from babyhood. Charlie is so independent and determined, at times I feel like he is every parent's dream. Other times, I struggle because he will suddenly decide to be super clingy and demand to be held at the most inopportune times. For example, when I'm trying to cook dinner he suddenly wants to be held. Unfortunately I just don't have enough arms to do both.

We needed to upgrade our stroller, so I found a pretty sweet jogging stroller on Facebook Marketplace for $50, and now Charlie enjoys our walks so much more. The ride is pretty nice to, and my Fitbit now registers our walks as biking for some reason ;)

In an effort to get more out of our weekends, we bought a membership to the zoo. We've gone a few times, and have plans to go twice this month. Charlie loves the animals, so it's been a good investment thus far. Additionally we are spending more time together outside to enjoy the last of the mild weather. We're also planning on buying a membership to the aquarium, so that's something to look forward to.

I'm convinced that we need to get to a harmonious place as a family before we can even consider bringing home another member. So we are laying some solid groundwork.

Professionally

I took over a position that had been occupied for 20yrs by the same person, vacated only by retirement. Big shoes to fill, intense pressure succeed, and an entirely new inter-office dynamic to try to wrap my head around. It's been four months, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I have a clue.

I keep reminding myself that it will probably takes at least 6 months to feel comfortable, so now is not the time to stress about the desk being clean or the pile of papers that still needs to be filed. It will get there. The relationships with my colleagues won't bloom overnight, I'm planting seeds and building trust.

Although, recently in doing my self-evaluation for my mandatory twice a year review, I think I've reignited my passion for my work. I have grand plans to roll out for my department in the next year, and it feels so good to be excited about going to work again.

Physically

Sam and I did the Keto challenge for most of October, and we learned so much about food, but that will be another post. I've started working out with my neighbor and really burning through kickboxing, so I'm really liking my changing physique.

Specifically regarding the growing pains, my baby is growing up so fast!

In the last six weeks Charlie upgraded to a toddler bed, stopped using a bottle, moved up to the big class at daycare, and outgrew his size 4 shoes.

Talk about growing pains!

moving on...

My presence has been minimal lately, but I've been trying to soul-search and improve the various elements of my life. As a result, much has happened.

First off with the most significant change, I got a new job. An opportunity at the district office came up, and after receiving an offer and sleeping on it, I decided it was time to conclude my school years. There is an immeasurable level of guilt weighing on me, but I know that it is what's best for my little family. I've been telling teachers and parents for the last two weeks that I won't be returning next year, and the response has been strong (which makes me feel just a bit special). I'll transition into my new position after we get back from Italy.

I'm also trying to devote more time to my creativity. Sam and I are writing a parody that we are going to submit to Desert Star Playhouse (think Harry Potter meets Saved by the Bell), and I'm painting again. Additionally, I'm getting a bit crafty and tackling some home decor projects.

I'm actually thinking about starting a video blog that highlights the different facets of my life, I just need to get find an editing program.

The hope is that I will start to feel more like myself again as I begin to re-explore the various avenues leading out of my heart and experiment with the various components of my substance. Heres hoping that the writing in my blog rises back on par sooner rather than later, as this is the legacy I am forging.

In the meantime, my toddler will be 18 months old in two weeks! He has two teeth, and just learned how to say "uh-oh." He loves cats, his teddy bear, saltine crackers, and Baby Shark. If he would just get over this stage of sleep regression, that's be great.

It's been a minute

I haven't blogged in awhile.

Forgive me, but I've been going through something. My more recent posts are a mere snapshot of the sock drawer of emotion that is my life.

Let's just cut to the chase and say I've been stressed and then I was suddenly overwhelmed. My coping skills were in the toilet and everything felt like the end of the world. This culminated in feeling so lost and hopeless that I was willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything.

Keep in mind, I squashed any idea that was dangerous. But for a minute, I considered anything.

I'm still struggling. But being conscientious of my issues right now and aware of my lack of coping skills helps somewhat.

I'm trying.

But I'm weathering my storm right now, and it's a big one.

Thanks for listening.

the price you pay

Lately I've spent many hours appraising my time. Additionally, I've spent time grumbling about losing my hour of sleep after daylight savings time happened.

In the midst of my pondering and grumblings, I crossed into the realization that time is the price we pay for happiness.

Time is a like currency, and needs to be invested wisely.

Now that I've stopped giving away my time, I'm reevaluating my investments.

My conclusion is that I need to invest more in myself.

I promised myself I would choose three things that I love that are just for me, and put more time towards those activities.

First up, writing.

I started writing the sequel to my novel, and I have to say that I am loving developing this story. It wasn't what I originally pictured when I thought about continuing the story, but so far I am loving the direction it is heading toward.

Secondly, restorative yoga.

I love yoga, and now that my kickboxing studio offer restorative yoga I decided to try the class. Restorative yoga is more like meditation coupled with stretching, but I've been doing it for three weeks now and I'm hooked.

Third, temple work.

I love the temple, and I adore going to the temple to perform ordinances. I've been doing family history for four years now, and there is so much work to be done. I've made temple dates with my friends, traded childcare with neighbors so we can all go to the temple more, etc.

I think that investing more in this little trifecta of interests will be a great way to keep myself in check. I want to get reacquainted with my best self, the version of myself that I spent countless hours looking for while I was in graduate school.

Recently, I decided to be bold and make a pretty big change.

I cut all of my hair off into a pixie cut to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm kind of amazed at how little I care about my hair now. I'm loving the low-maintenance of my cut, and even moreso loving how surprised I am when I look in the mirror. I guess I don't feel the need to look in the mirror as often now.

There is a price for everything, we all pay.

Double-check your price tags.

When there is no joy...

It's no secret that I've been struggling a lot lately. Between work, daycare, toddler meltdowns, church callings, and other extra curricular activities, I had nothing left.

I read my friend Erica's blog, realized how much I missed her, so we got together last weekend for lunch to catch up. Charlie and I met up with her at Zupas, and we talked about school, children, and callings. I mused about my stress while my son promptly had a tantrum next to me.

She talked about Marie Kondo, keeping up with the Jones', and 'stuff.'

It made me realize that I was giving away pieces of my life, when I should be stricter and more prudent about who and what I give my time to. Basically, does it bring you joy?

Charlie and Sam take up time and space, but they bring me joy.

Work takes up time, but that won't change anytime soon. The joy and stress levels are about the same.

Extra curriculars, ding ding ding, we have a winner.

As much as I didn't want to, I resigned from the West High Alumni Association Executive Board. The time commitment tripled after the new presidency transitioned, and I just couldn't keep up. I found myself ignoring my family so I could prepare for meetings, and zoning out during meetings because I knew I was missing daycare pick up, bath time, and bedtime. It was just too much, it wasn't bringing me joy.

Additionally, my primary class was too much. Sunday morning would come and I would dread facing my class. I wanted my Sundays back; I wanted to enjoy going to church again. So I asked my Primary President for a new assignment. No joy, no go.

Onto the 'stuff' element.

Yesterday I decided to purge my closet. I've been inheriting a lot of clothes from my boss, and I was overflowing.

Sam asked me if I was going to get rid of my plethora of black sweaters (I have about 8 in various sleeve lengths, thicknesses, and waistlines). The answer was no, they each bring me joy.

I probably got rid of 30% of what was hanging in my closet, and about 10% of what was in my dresser drawers. Sam went through his clothes also, and our donation for DI was pretty impressive.

Our closet looks happier, that's for sure.

Finally, my kickboxing studio is rebranding and now features yoga! Yoga brings me joy.

I went to a restorative yoga class yesterday, and it was amazing! With my extra activities on the lighter side now, I have time to do a little bit more for my fitness goals.

I feel a lot better and significantly less stressed since I made these changes in the last week. I have to remember to make time to bring myself joy.

The Silver Bullet

To say I have a stressful job is an understatement.

I once told someone that half of my job is being yelled at by students, parents, administrators, and teachers. If you can handle unhappiness in many shapes and forms, you can handle being a school secretary.

Kids get mad because I don't give them what they want.

Parents are angry because I don't let them do what they want when they want to the way they want it done.

Administrators get frustrated because I just can't do five things at the same time.

Teachers are upset because sometimes all 17 of them and their classes need something.

Like I said, if you can handle being yelled at by everybody, and essentially hated and/or told off by at least one of these four parties each day, maybe you can handle being a school secretary.

No two schools are the same.

My old school very much feels like Kansas, and my current school is practically Oz, complete with good and bad witches on any given day. There are flying monkeys thrown in there too, but that's a horse of a different color!

Moving from Kansas to Oz brought on all sorts of new obstacles, and sadly my stress level decided to climb on each obstacles like building blocks.

I was getting gray hair (before age 30, mind you). I couldn't sleep. I was annoyed all the time. Even going to kickboxing three times a week was only working me up instead of lifting me up. I knew I was where I needed to be, but I felt trapped. I was caught in a tornado, praying constantly to get to the eye of the storm so that I could get my bearings.

The eye never came.

Winter break gave me lots and lots of family time, but the dread of returning to Oz haunted me. I worried about Oz all the time. I worried about the bad witches and the flying monkeys. I worried about the wizard, the poppies, and knowing deep down that I could never go back to Kansas.

Then, one day I stumbled across an article in researching for our trip to Europe, it was all about surviving those long haul flights. One of the recommendations was to read a new book and try to get through it in one sitting. It was definitely a challenge I was up for, but I had no idea what to read.

There's a website that recommends books based on authors and other titles you know you like, so I put in my favorite author (Emily Giffin) to see what popped up. Almost immediately, I found a series called Bellevue Wives by Jane Porter and my interest was piqued.

The first book was called Odd Mom Out, and it only took a week for the library to get it in. I devoured the story, and I loved it! I really liked reading about motherhood from the standpoint of the working mom and how to fit in at school with the other stay-at-home moms.

Right as I started this book, I read a study that suggested reading for fun 10 minutes before you go to sleep helps destress you by almost 68%.

I noticed almost immediately that doing this had a positive effect on me. I didn't wake up as often during the night, and it was easier to go back to sleep after Charlie woke me up. I started to feel better, and much more like myself than in recent months.

I felt happier, less stressed.

Finally.

I've since finished that book and started the next one, titled Mrs. Perfect.

Additionally, I've been inspired to plow through the final draft of my own novel, but that's a post for another day.

My silver bullet to coping with stress is to read before bed. Although 10 minutes quickly turns into an hour if I'm not careful, but I guess that's a sign of good writing.

I'm relieved to have found a way to reduce my stress, it is very much needed.

Slumping it

We've been in a bit of a slump lately.

I seriously felt like we were stuck in a time loop where January would never end, which was challenging because it was such a big month for change.

Charlie started daycare, Sam starting going to mutual every week, I got a new co-teacher in Primary and we got a new class of kids, and the Alumni board that I serve on reorganized and the time commitment seemingly tripled.

Additionally, my sleep regressing teething toddler got pink eye twice and finally Finally FINALLY cut a tooth!

It's been a loooooong month.

I don't think anyone was more excited to February to arrive than me.

Work has been rough, or rather it has felt more rough than normal because time didn't seem to be moving forward. I was stuck. My cup was running low.

My body has been slowly shrinking due to the fact that my Invisalign liners require 22/24 hours of daily wear, severely reducing my snacking opportunities. I think I'm 8lbs away from how much I'm supposed to weigh for my height. Regardless, my BMI is normal and healthy!

But we've been in a slump.

I'm really, really hoping that we pull out of it soon.

Last call...

I've spent many a night thinking about my life and the direction in which I'm heading. It happens a lot lately because I have a teething toddler who likes to wake in the middle the night for bottles and snuggles. Even though my sweet husband takes those nighttime feeding shifts as of late, it doesn't stop me from waking up and being unable to fall asleep.

Those are the moments where I keep replaying the last decade of my life and wondering if I wasted my twenties. Responsible to a fault, fiscally conservative, etc. That is me in a nutshell. I had the sinking feeling that I don't ever have fun.

Having Charlie brought on an entirely new set of responsibilities that perhaps I wasn't entirely aware. More specifically, this tiny human prefers me to anything and nearly everyone. Sometimes Daddy just isn't enough. That's a tough emotional burden for me to carry, especially because sometimes I just don't have anything left of myself to give to him.

While I try to convince myself that I did not waste my twenties, I am thinking "what can I do to make sure I haven't?"

I never traveled, not really. Certainly not out of the country, and only a small handful of times by myself.

The solution was clear.

Europe.

Cruising Europe.

Sam was onboard, so we began making plans.

We found a cruise that started and ended in Rome, while visiting France and Spain along the way.

I still can't believe it's finally happening!

While I don't really believe I missed out on "fun" during my young adulthood, I do believe this year I am making up for lost times.

I'm positive that when I do turn 30 later this year, I will do so knowing that I made the most of this time. That I'm sure of.

365 Prompts: January 1-7

1 (Tuesday)-Your biggest dream 

My biggest dream? Publish one of my novels. 

My Master's thesis is published and available online via the digital book depository for the University of Utah and Westminster College, but it isn't quite the same thing. Five years ago, I was working on a novel that became my baby, unlike my thesis (Truman, my brain-child). I finished the draft before I started my graduate program, and I haven't really touched on it since.

I had big plans for that novel, but I was about to embark on an academic adventure that would take up the majority of my free time. Lucky for me, I was able to meet and marry the love of my life during that time, so I guess I had just enough :) This novel embodied so much of myself at ages 22-25, it was practically a horcrux because I felt like I had literally invested a piece of my soul into those words on the pages.

Five years later, I’ve been thinking about my draft frequently. I think I’ve detached emotionally to the point where I can strengthen the weaknesses without feeling like my ideas are being picked apart. I’m ready to return to my work as a writer.

It’s funny, I took a break from really writing in favor of painting. Another dream kept in the very back of the vault that is my mind is to have some kind of community recognition for painting. I’m working on an idea that I’m considering as an entry for the Salt Lake County Fair. It’s fun to have creative goals, as long as the creative juices are flowing.

This year, I want to make time for my creativity. Spend a little more time cultivating my passions. Be the artist I am. That is my biggest dream.

2 (Wednesday)-What is your vision for the next year? 

This year, I want to focus more on positive energy and how to share it with those around me. Lately, it feels as if the blows keep coming, and I want to recover from them faster. This of course requires a retraining of the brain, but I’m hopeful that within a few months I will have laid the foundation to be successful with this vision for myself. 

Additionally, I’m going to focus on positive body image and confront some of my issues. I took up kickboxing last summer, and I have about five more months worth of classes. It helps, but only when I’m consistent. Basically I have until the end of May to hit my goal. I did finally get around to decorating my gloves. I tagged my name on the right, drew a lotus flower and quoted Mulan on the left. I’m still debating whether or not to do another year, but I’m hoping I will figure it out soon. for now, I’m still on the fence.

For my family, I think our vision needs to be enhancing our spirituality. The church begins the new program/time block on Sunday, which means more spiritual opportunities for me at home. Charlie is still so young, I doubt he will truly grasp this kind of change, but it’s more for Sam and I at this point. Even as I write this, my new primary manual is sitting on the end table, seemingly beckoning me to look at the lessons for this month.

I believe that 2019 may be a wonderful year for opportunity. It makes me think about just how often I am presented with a choice and how i react. I certainly don’t want to squander or regret a missed opportunity. We will see where it will take us.

3 (Thursday)-How do you feel today 

Today I feel defeated.

It was one of those days where I see various circumstances for different students, and my heart aches for many of them. However, when the legality of some of their choices catches up to them, I wished they felt more remorse for their actions. I wish their consequences scared them into wanting more for themselves.

Kids have so much potential, and I really wish that they could all see their inner light. They derail their future success by dimming their own lights because their light keepers are “slacking.”

I will not slack as my son’s light keeper.

4 (Friday)-What is the most important event of today 

Today, I learned how a string of events make up the big picture. Sam’s car was in the shop all week getting the front bumper replaced because we got hit by a tire tread while on the freeway a few days earlier. I was an anxious mess because Charlie was starting daycare and only having one car was going to seriously impact the routine we were trying to establish.

Daycare began for my little dude, as well as the adjustment. Everyday that child looked at me like I was abandoning him. It made me sad, especially at the end of the day when I came to pick him up. I kid you not, he was fine, but began to cry when he saw me. Perhaps he was simply afraid I wouldn’t take him with me?

Anyway, following daycare drop-off, I took Sam to the tax station at the mall before heading to work. It added about 15-20 minutes to my morning commute, but it wasn’t too bad. Evening pick from the tax was harder because poor Charlie was so tired but still had to come along. But as I drove to work today, it dawned on me that Charlie would only have one first day/week at daycare, and I was able to be part of it.

Because of the unfortunate event of getting hit by a rogue tire tread, Sam and I were both able to take Charlie to his new daycare everyday during his first week. We were doing it together, something that would not have played out the same way otherwise. As much as I didn’t want to be the one ‘abandoning’ him at daycare, I’m so glad I didn’t miss out on that experience. I definitely think it further cemented our little family’s bond.

5 (Saturday)-One lesson you learned today 

A lesson I learned today was seeing firsthand what ‘love is a verb’ looks like. Now, I do know what it looks like within my marriage. But I’m talking about outside of romantic love, that special way we show love to other people just because.

I met Victoria seven years ago when we were working at the bridal shop. We became very good friends and managed to stay close even when we no longer worked together. Seven years, a temple endowment, a wedding, buying two houses, and three pregnancies later, we are still good friends. Some might compare our relationship to sisterly, because I’m pretty sure we consider each other family.

Okay, so the love part comes in here. Sam and I were toying with the idea of going a cruise in 2020 to celebrate our 5th anniversary. However, stresses and other nods of life came up pretty heftily this week, and I decided it needed to happen this year.

Sam called a travel agent and we got the ball rolling for a European cruise.

As excited as we were, the issue of childcare popped up. We really didn’t want to bring an 18-month old with us to Europe, but local family said no when we asked if they would watch Charlie. 

Booooooo. 

It was starting to feel like I would never get to see anything outside of the United States. My heart was slightly broken and boy was I glum. Downright blue.

We contemplated taking Charlie to Arizona so he could stay with the Elmers, but it seemed so out of the way. I texted Victoria to see if they would consider helping us out. 

They did!

I am over the moon. Not only do I trust her with the most important thing in my life, but I know he will have a blast with their family for a week and a half. I realize that watching someone else child while they leave the country is a big responsibility, so you can imagine the relief I feel knowing that his Aunty V has his back.

This trip has become so important to me because I know it’s the last opportunity I’ll have to have a big travel adventure before we have another baby. After the next kid, we probably won’t be going anywhere until they are much older. I can’t believe that this is really happening for us!

6 (Sunday)-How is the weather today 

It was a very wintery day today. We drove to church because I knew the weather was supposed to get yucky, but as of 10:30am it had not yet made its appearance. However, around 11am, Charlie-boy needed a break from sacrament and we walked out into the foyer to find that we were in the eye of a gorgeous blizzard. The snow was heavy, but the temperature was not freezing. It made for unchallenging snow-shoveling, but I still shoveled carefully as to avoid hurting my back life I did two years ago.

I don’t mind the snow.

7 (Monday)-What is your goal for next week 

This week, I will focus on getting enough water. Lately, I feel as thought I get so caught up with the craziness at my desk, I often forget to refill my water bottle. I did just order a gallon sized one to help me with my goal of staying hydrated, and it should arrive tomorrow. I also want to kick box twice this week. I recently learned that I have been throwing my hooks incorrectly. Once I adjusted my form, my triceps started screaming at me. I try to go to classes on Tuesday and Friday. Let’s get this started!

A little Christmas miracle

People often regale you with stories of miracles happening around Christmastime, but I've often thought that it's just a happy coincidence. Don't get me wrong, happy coincidences are wonderful. But I worry that the word miracle is tossed around loosely, especially at Christmas.

On Thursday, I collided headfirst with a massive obstacle in the form of my babysitter deciding to leave us, with one days notice. I was floored, it felt so out of the blue, I really didn't know what to say. With Christmas coming so soon, I literally had four business days to find full time childcare before school started again.

I knew of a daycare across the street from my kickboxing studio, so I looked up their number and called. The night manager was super sweet and informative, but asked me to call back in the morning to see if there was any space in the toddler class. I was both hopeful and discouraged.

I called five more daycares near my work, but their waiting lists stretched from 5-7 months. The soonest I could even hope to get in anywhere would be May 2019. Discourage quickly eclipsed any hope in my heart at that point.

I perused Care.com, but very quickly realized that any of the candidates would cost me 80% of my paycheck. Oh boy. Sam and I had made a deal long ago about childcare, I would stay home if we had to pay more than 50% of my income.

I had leads for two in-home daycares recommend by friends, but I had to wait until morning for information. One was in West Jordan and the other in Riverton. Sam was discouraged because either option would add 1-2hrs to commuter time every day.

I cried angrily, and my appetite was completely gone. I think I went 24hrs without any food. I felt like a zombie because when I was finally able to doze off, the baby cried and woke me up. Needless to say, I only slept about an hour that night.

Despair.

It felt like the world was over, mostly because for the next 12 hours I was unable to actually start solving my problem. At 3am I got out of bed and tried to keep busy. I did laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and tried to make decisions. There was a two hour block of time where I legitimately thought about quitting my job. I love my job, but the idea was tempting. Not working would mean more freedom to have another baby without waiting to be eligible for maternity leave. It certainly would be a game changer, but deep down I knew it wasn't what I really wanted.

Hope.

I showered, dressed, and walked to the daycare across from my kickboxing studio. I prayed the whole way, keeping my fingers crossed that I could get on the waiting list, and then go from there. It was 5:30am, and I waited behind another mom and her daughter who rang the bell when I got there. The director let us in, and I asked about space.

Faith.

Because my sweet little boy was an early walker, he fit the parameters to be in the toddler room, which had space available. I paid the application fee as well as tuition, and promised to bring back the signed paperwork later that day. I copied his shot record, signed the dotted line, and my little family dropped it all off before the place closed.

Love.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Anyone who deals with daycare will tell you that this is not how it happens. I especially felt the outpour of love from my friends and family who pitched in to help me find a solution. In a moment, I truly understood what it meant to exercise love for each other. Sweet relief filled my heart as I realized the new adventure my family was about to embark on in the new year.

I grew up in daycare, and my experience defined me as a child. Miss Ann, Miss Shirley, Miss Kris, and Miss Sue were all my moms.

I was so lucky.

I had all these amazing women helping me grow up. Now, I do realize that this may be the exception to the rule, but I know Charlie will have an amazing experience too. He will have opportunity to socialize, make friends, and learn that the world doesn't revolve around him.

Daycare opens up the risk for a ton of other things too, such as more exposure to sickness and head lice. But it is no different than the risks of sending him to school for kindergarten.

We are excited and irrevocably grateful.

I am so lucky!

It really is nothing short of a miracle.

Merry Christmas!

Year 29

I turned 29 recently, and it has been a flood of all the feels.

Don't get me wrong, I have no qualms with aging. But my birthday coinciding with PMS definitely made me examen my life harshly. However, since my birthday is at the end of the year when most people begin to write new years resolutions, I often feel obligated to improve myself and start over whenever my birthday approaches. For this to be the last birthday before 30, and have in be so close to my son's 1st birthday, I was kind of all over the place with my emotions.

As I'm preparing to cross that threshold between young adult and just plain adult, I'm looking back at the era that is my twenties and wondering what direction my life is heading.

At 21, I graduated college after only three years. During that time I made the Dean's List, worked with other students, lived on campus, and then ran away to Washington DC for an internship.

At 22, I started working full-time and at 23 I began taking graduate-level classes as a non-matricalued student.

At 24, life as an official graduate student began as did the courtship between me and my eventual husband.

At 25 I got married, and at 26 I published my thesis, got my Masters degree, and bought a house.

At 27 I became pregnant and birthed my son, and 28 was spent learning the ropes of motherhood.

This brings us to 29.

I often feel like I haven't done anything with my life. I feel as if I wasted my 20's because I never did anything fun. Recently, I've mused this enough to the point where I want to rectify that notion.

I like to think that if something is bothering me, I take action to make it better. So I definitely think I lucked out when I learned that the Backstreet Boys were coming to Salt Lake. I bought tickets and asked my sweet sister-in-law if she wanted to go with me. Needless to say, we are both psyched for the concert in August. Kelly Clarkson is coming to Salt Lake next month, so I bought tickets for me and my mom. Hugh Jackman announced a summer concert the week before our anniversary, so four our 4yr outing that's what we are doing.

I know they seem like small things, but I spent so much time doing the practical things instead of the activities that turn into life-long memories.

Joint Birthday Party

Today, Charlie and I had a joint birthday party to celebrate turning one and 29. The theme was Winter Wonderland, so I began a quest to use as much blue and white in my living room as possible. Guests in attendance were Grandma and Grandpa, the Larsens, the Shaws, the Littles, and the Spencers.

We served crock pot potato soup, rolls, a veggie platter, a meat and cheese platter, and chocolate cupcakes

It was a great little party. Yay for family and good friends and all the togetherness the winter holidays bring. Happy Birthday to us!

Life with Baby: 12 months!

Happy Birthday, CharlieB!!!!!!

I can't believe you are one year old, my sweet happy boy!

Charlie loves solids, and has taken a liking to baby food pouches.

He walks 95% of the time, and practically runs when he does so. He loves music and dances all the time. He is a natural yoga-doer, and is a lean mean 18lb machine. Along with hating socks, he pulls hats off of his head every chance he gets.

He absolutely loves Nana and Grandma, begging for table food, and babbling in his crib.

My beautiful boy, how has it been a year?

blink and you miss it

Dear Charlie,

As we approach your 1st birthday (yes, you are turning one this week!), I can't help but reflect on what the last 52 weeks have been like. Additionally, I've thought about the time before those 52 weeks, 39 weeks and 1 day to be exact. How could so much happen in so little time, and could it feel like I blinked and my life happened?

This morning, I heard you babbling in your crib. After a few minutes, you began calling out "Mum, mum!" I couldn't help it, I walked in to rescue you. You were standing up, sucking on the bar of your crib, with your lovey in tow. You gave me your best Charlie smile as I greeted you, because we are both at our best in the morning. We went down stairs so we wouldn't wake Daddy, and you began to toddle around. You munched on your Cheerios, wrestled with your teddy bear (who is your size), and began whining for me to hold you. When I wrapped you in the fuzzy blanket we shared, you tried to bite my face. I've been told that is your version of kisses, except I know you were intentionally biting my face off. It made me think just how much I love our mornings together.

Our mornings looked quite different over the last year. First they were spent outside in the dark and quiet streets as we walked the dog throughout my pregnancy. Later they were spent in a sleepy haze as you nursed by the faint glow of the nightlight in your nursery. Now they follow the pattern of the morning previously described.

One minute you were that 6lb 9oz little kicking machine with a tongue tie and a touch of hypospadias, and now you are about to turn 1 as a walking, almost talking, super lean kicking machine.

Your daddy and I just adore you, we especially love your full-faced Charlie smiles. Watching you become a little person has been quite the experience so far, we can't wait to see what you do next.

Mama loves you so much, my sweet beautiful boy.

70 degrees

For Thanksgiving this year, we hopped a flight to Phoenix to spend some time with the Elmer clan. Lucky for us, the forecast called for 70 degrees, which meant I could soak up some decent weather before the inevitable cold bucket of suckiness that is winter hit Utah.

At the airport on Thursday morning

We flew out on Thanksgiving morning, and it saved us about $200 by doing so. Charlie did really well; I forced him to take a nap as soon as we got on the plane, and he woke up about halfway through the flight. He flirted with everyone, bonked his head twice, and ate all of his cheerios. We landed and went off to baggage claim, only to discover that the airline had misplaced Charlie's bag. I did my best fend off the panic attack brewing beneath the surface, but I struggled. All the diapers, formula, and baby food that I had so carefully tucked into his bag were no where to be found.

Lucky for me, it really was a misplacement and not a lost bag, and the airline brought it to casa de Elmer a few hours later. We caught the tail end of Thanksgiving lunch, and were able to visit with a good handful of people.

After lunch at Nana's house

Charlie, Luke, and Gavin #BarlowCousins

Begging Auntie Alexa for pie

Visiting with Great-Grandma Sharon

One of our adventures involved going to a nature preserve with Bob and Lisa, Jake and Alexa, and Stephan. We packed up the strollers and some snacks and headed out. The nice weather definitely delivered. What a change from the first snow that hit Utah in our absence.

Family outing to the nature preserve

Mother and Daughters-in-law

Charlie's walking practice has resulted in several head bonks the last six weeks, so after he fell twice at the airport and then again at the Elmer's, I gave him some baby tylenol and made him nap for a bit. 

The moms went black friday shopping at Target, where we got baby clothes and then shopped for ourselves. This, of course, was after we got our nails done. It is fun to go out with the girls and leave the children with the menfolk. Nana and Grand-dude decided to buy a little slide for the boys at Black-Friday, so here is the only picture where Charlie wasn't screaming in fear.

For Charlie and Journey's birthdays, we went to the Phoenix Zoo as a big happy family. I didn't photograph any of the animals, but here are some pics of us.

Flying back home was very different from getting there. Charlie refused to nap, the flight was bumpy, and he chose to scream for the last 15min or so. We finally got home around 7pm, but as you can see below, he was not amused for the last leg of the journey.

We enjoyed our time with the Elmers, it is a challenge living so far away from half of the family. I loved watching Charlie and Stephen play together. The next time we go to Arizona will be for Max's wedding, so it will be fun to watch Charlie, Stephen, and Journey interact with one another.

Life with Baby: 11 months

Where did my baby go and where did this toddler come from?

My sweet CharlieB is such a busy boy. He started walking, so he is even more "on the go" than he was before. He loves going out to dinner so he can take in the world (and flirt with servers). He also loves to feed himself, but still isn't quite sure how to use the spoon to do so.

Charlie is very vocal, says Mom like there's no tomorrow, and loves to get into yelling contests in rooms that echo. He has two tones for mom; a soft Maaaaamaaaaa, and a short blunt Mum Mum. He is so funny when he lets how he says mom showcase his mood.

He adores cousin Lily, their back and forth grins make me melt! He also can't wait to visit with cousin PJ during Thanksgiving. He is fascinated with baby Pigo (Khal) and always wants to look at him lovingly. I'm so happy he has little cousins the same age to grow up with :)

He enjoys food like PB&J, Greek Yogurt, pumpkin oatmeal, rice and beans, applesauce and Cheerios, and so much more.

We're pretty sure he is right on the cusp of 18lbs, which is great because he will have tripled his birth weight by the time he turns one! We are excitedly crossing the days off until we can give him cow's milk, hopefully that will help him gain a bit more weight so he isn't such a string bean.

Mama and Daddy love their little warrior to pieces. I can't believe the next baby post will be on his first birthday!