It's a part of me

I don't really go into a lot of detail about my anxiety.

The textbook definition is "an unpleasant state of inner turmoil often accompanied by nervous behavior." It is the expectation of future threat. In a nutshell, I spend more time worrying about what might happen instead of just looking at the facts.

I've mentioned before that I have high-functioning anxiety, which means I'm pretty good at managing my day to day activities without needing medication. However there are times where my surroundings aggravate my anxiety and it feels like pouring kerosene on a lit match that just happens to fall on a stack of dry kindling. My anxiety triggers something called panic disorder, which is in fact a mental illness. It runs in my family, so at least I know it didn't come out of thin air.

I've suffered from panic attacks since I was a kid. My earliest memory of having a panic attack was when I was seven years old. After 21 years of practicing, I keep in it check pretty well most of the time.

Yet, lately it has been a bit of an issue.

Every area of my life seems to be under stress in some way shape or form, so let's break it down to the most basic issue.

Sleep.

My precious son has been sleep regressing lately because he's having yet another growth spurt. Gone are the nights where he went for 6hrs, now we are back to 4hrs.

The little stretches I am getting are filled with anxiety riddled nightmares. When I get up to nurse in the middle of the night, it takes me over an hour to fall back asleep.

I'm tired. The stress is building. Commence the panic attacks.

I have conflicted ideas of how to deal with it when it gets like this.

Part of me legitimately believes that if I give myself completely to my faith, that the Lord will take away my struggle. So I try my best.

I pray.

I study my scriptures.

I make plans to attend the temple.

Yet it lingers.

The other part of believes that I can just ride it out.

I try cleansing breaths.

I meditate.

I do yoga.

There is no magic cure for the twitch in my left eye brought on by my panic attacks induced by the stress of my life.

Normally I'm pretty good at this, but not so much right now.

Maybe I should start with sleep and see if it improves.

Wish me luck!

Life with Baby: 5 months

Oh CharlieB, how do I love thee? Let me count the months...

At five months old, you have finally sized up in clothing, although one could argue that I could have tried the bigger clothes two weeks ago.

We installed your booster seat at the kitchen table so we can all be together at mealtimes. Not a day goes by where you aren't showing keen interest in the food we are eating.

You cash in on your smiling prowess whenever you have the chance, and leave a trail of broken hearts behind you. Yet the same gaggle of girls at church still love to moon over you.

Mama is your number one fan, although Grandma and Pop-pop are coming up as a close second. Daddy is more like 1.5.

You are quite the chatterbox. This last week you seem to have found your voice and will not stop babbling, especially at 6am. I love listening to you and cannot wait to hear your first real word!