Last call...

I've spent many a night thinking about my life and the direction in which I'm heading. It happens a lot lately because I have a teething toddler who likes to wake in the middle the night for bottles and snuggles. Even though my sweet husband takes those nighttime feeding shifts as of late, it doesn't stop me from waking up and being unable to fall asleep.

Those are the moments where I keep replaying the last decade of my life and wondering if I wasted my twenties. Responsible to a fault, fiscally conservative, etc. That is me in a nutshell. I had the sinking feeling that I don't ever have fun.

Having Charlie brought on an entirely new set of responsibilities that perhaps I wasn't entirely aware. More specifically, this tiny human prefers me to anything and nearly everyone. Sometimes Daddy just isn't enough. That's a tough emotional burden for me to carry, especially because sometimes I just don't have anything left of myself to give to him.

While I try to convince myself that I did not waste my twenties, I am thinking "what can I do to make sure I haven't?"

I never traveled, not really. Certainly not out of the country, and only a small handful of times by myself.

The solution was clear.

Europe.

Cruising Europe.

Sam was onboard, so we began making plans.

We found a cruise that started and ended in Rome, while visiting France and Spain along the way.

I still can't believe it's finally happening!

While I don't really believe I missed out on "fun" during my young adulthood, I do believe this year I am making up for lost times.

I'm positive that when I do turn 30 later this year, I will do so knowing that I made the most of this time. That I'm sure of.

365 Prompts: January 1-7

1 (Tuesday)-Your biggest dream 

My biggest dream? Publish one of my novels. 

My Master's thesis is published and available online via the digital book depository for the University of Utah and Westminster College, but it isn't quite the same thing. Five years ago, I was working on a novel that became my baby, unlike my thesis (Truman, my brain-child). I finished the draft before I started my graduate program, and I haven't really touched on it since.

I had big plans for that novel, but I was about to embark on an academic adventure that would take up the majority of my free time. Lucky for me, I was able to meet and marry the love of my life during that time, so I guess I had just enough :) This novel embodied so much of myself at ages 22-25, it was practically a horcrux because I felt like I had literally invested a piece of my soul into those words on the pages.

Five years later, I’ve been thinking about my draft frequently. I think I’ve detached emotionally to the point where I can strengthen the weaknesses without feeling like my ideas are being picked apart. I’m ready to return to my work as a writer.

It’s funny, I took a break from really writing in favor of painting. Another dream kept in the very back of the vault that is my mind is to have some kind of community recognition for painting. I’m working on an idea that I’m considering as an entry for the Salt Lake County Fair. It’s fun to have creative goals, as long as the creative juices are flowing.

This year, I want to make time for my creativity. Spend a little more time cultivating my passions. Be the artist I am. That is my biggest dream.

2 (Wednesday)-What is your vision for the next year? 

This year, I want to focus more on positive energy and how to share it with those around me. Lately, it feels as if the blows keep coming, and I want to recover from them faster. This of course requires a retraining of the brain, but I’m hopeful that within a few months I will have laid the foundation to be successful with this vision for myself. 

Additionally, I’m going to focus on positive body image and confront some of my issues. I took up kickboxing last summer, and I have about five more months worth of classes. It helps, but only when I’m consistent. Basically I have until the end of May to hit my goal. I did finally get around to decorating my gloves. I tagged my name on the right, drew a lotus flower and quoted Mulan on the left. I’m still debating whether or not to do another year, but I’m hoping I will figure it out soon. for now, I’m still on the fence.

For my family, I think our vision needs to be enhancing our spirituality. The church begins the new program/time block on Sunday, which means more spiritual opportunities for me at home. Charlie is still so young, I doubt he will truly grasp this kind of change, but it’s more for Sam and I at this point. Even as I write this, my new primary manual is sitting on the end table, seemingly beckoning me to look at the lessons for this month.

I believe that 2019 may be a wonderful year for opportunity. It makes me think about just how often I am presented with a choice and how i react. I certainly don’t want to squander or regret a missed opportunity. We will see where it will take us.

3 (Thursday)-How do you feel today 

Today I feel defeated.

It was one of those days where I see various circumstances for different students, and my heart aches for many of them. However, when the legality of some of their choices catches up to them, I wished they felt more remorse for their actions. I wish their consequences scared them into wanting more for themselves.

Kids have so much potential, and I really wish that they could all see their inner light. They derail their future success by dimming their own lights because their light keepers are “slacking.”

I will not slack as my son’s light keeper.

4 (Friday)-What is the most important event of today 

Today, I learned how a string of events make up the big picture. Sam’s car was in the shop all week getting the front bumper replaced because we got hit by a tire tread while on the freeway a few days earlier. I was an anxious mess because Charlie was starting daycare and only having one car was going to seriously impact the routine we were trying to establish.

Daycare began for my little dude, as well as the adjustment. Everyday that child looked at me like I was abandoning him. It made me sad, especially at the end of the day when I came to pick him up. I kid you not, he was fine, but began to cry when he saw me. Perhaps he was simply afraid I wouldn’t take him with me?

Anyway, following daycare drop-off, I took Sam to the tax station at the mall before heading to work. It added about 15-20 minutes to my morning commute, but it wasn’t too bad. Evening pick from the tax was harder because poor Charlie was so tired but still had to come along. But as I drove to work today, it dawned on me that Charlie would only have one first day/week at daycare, and I was able to be part of it.

Because of the unfortunate event of getting hit by a rogue tire tread, Sam and I were both able to take Charlie to his new daycare everyday during his first week. We were doing it together, something that would not have played out the same way otherwise. As much as I didn’t want to be the one ‘abandoning’ him at daycare, I’m so glad I didn’t miss out on that experience. I definitely think it further cemented our little family’s bond.

5 (Saturday)-One lesson you learned today 

A lesson I learned today was seeing firsthand what ‘love is a verb’ looks like. Now, I do know what it looks like within my marriage. But I’m talking about outside of romantic love, that special way we show love to other people just because.

I met Victoria seven years ago when we were working at the bridal shop. We became very good friends and managed to stay close even when we no longer worked together. Seven years, a temple endowment, a wedding, buying two houses, and three pregnancies later, we are still good friends. Some might compare our relationship to sisterly, because I’m pretty sure we consider each other family.

Okay, so the love part comes in here. Sam and I were toying with the idea of going a cruise in 2020 to celebrate our 5th anniversary. However, stresses and other nods of life came up pretty heftily this week, and I decided it needed to happen this year.

Sam called a travel agent and we got the ball rolling for a European cruise.

As excited as we were, the issue of childcare popped up. We really didn’t want to bring an 18-month old with us to Europe, but local family said no when we asked if they would watch Charlie. 

Booooooo. 

It was starting to feel like I would never get to see anything outside of the United States. My heart was slightly broken and boy was I glum. Downright blue.

We contemplated taking Charlie to Arizona so he could stay with the Elmers, but it seemed so out of the way. I texted Victoria to see if they would consider helping us out. 

They did!

I am over the moon. Not only do I trust her with the most important thing in my life, but I know he will have a blast with their family for a week and a half. I realize that watching someone else child while they leave the country is a big responsibility, so you can imagine the relief I feel knowing that his Aunty V has his back.

This trip has become so important to me because I know it’s the last opportunity I’ll have to have a big travel adventure before we have another baby. After the next kid, we probably won’t be going anywhere until they are much older. I can’t believe that this is really happening for us!

6 (Sunday)-How is the weather today 

It was a very wintery day today. We drove to church because I knew the weather was supposed to get yucky, but as of 10:30am it had not yet made its appearance. However, around 11am, Charlie-boy needed a break from sacrament and we walked out into the foyer to find that we were in the eye of a gorgeous blizzard. The snow was heavy, but the temperature was not freezing. It made for unchallenging snow-shoveling, but I still shoveled carefully as to avoid hurting my back life I did two years ago.

I don’t mind the snow.

7 (Monday)-What is your goal for next week 

This week, I will focus on getting enough water. Lately, I feel as thought I get so caught up with the craziness at my desk, I often forget to refill my water bottle. I did just order a gallon sized one to help me with my goal of staying hydrated, and it should arrive tomorrow. I also want to kick box twice this week. I recently learned that I have been throwing my hooks incorrectly. Once I adjusted my form, my triceps started screaming at me. I try to go to classes on Tuesday and Friday. Let’s get this started!