#My500Words Challenge: Day 22

The Challenge

Write about fear

The 500 Words

There are so many of my fears that I could write about: heights, flying, getting hurt (physically and in matters of the hearts), dying, etc. So, how to choose which one to write about today? Well, considering I’m working on overcoming my fear of heights that is what I will talk about.

I’m terrified of heights; the weird part is that it isn’t even ridiculously high heights, it’s the heights that are just high enough for me to know that if I fall, I will get severely injured. If it’s super high, it doesn’t bother me as much because I just assume that if I fall, I will die anyway.

I was told once that people who are afraid of heights and flying have control issues; I think that is an understatement for my personality. Seriously though, what if I fall and die? I’ve decided that no matter what, I will die eventually, so I just need to learn to roll with it.

Anyway, yesterday I went rock rappelling with a new friend, and I got to practice my efforts to not be afraid of heights. I began going down the rock, giving myself little slack so that I could have more control. It took forever. I made it to a little rock ledge and made the mistake of thinking I was more than halfway to the bottom, and I looked down.

The ground was SO far away, and I immediately froze. My fear suddenly consumed me; my legs were shaking and I began involuntarily whimpering. I clutched the rock for dear life and tried to take some deep breaths. After a minute or two, I realized that I couldn’t go back to the top, I had to keep going if I wanted to get out of this situation. I had to face my fear.

So there I was, trapped on a ledge, and completely terrified.

“You can do this. Come on, pull it together!” I declared as I slowly began heading down. As I slowly but surely made my way down the rock, I realized that looking straight down wasn’t a good idea, but looking ahead for the next step was absolutely okay. Perhaps this is the Universe’s way of telling me that instead of looking so far ahead, I should simply try and anticipate my next step.

I literally inched my way down until after what felt like forever and a day, I made it to solid ground again.

As I unstrapped my harness, I looked up at the rock, and asked my friend, “Did I really do that?”

Yes, I did.

I was so proud of myself for not letting my fear prevent me from moving forward, when I could just as easily have refused to move (although it wouldn’t have done me much good, now would it?). Sure, today I am incredibly sore and still a tad shaky, but the sheer awesomeness of knowing that I overcame something like that is pretty neat. 

All right me!

#My500Words Challenge: Day 21

The Challenge

Write a confession

The 500 Words

When I think of the word confession, I picture myself locked in the questioning room on Bones while Booth and Sweets do their whole “good cop, bad cop” routine until I finally crack under pressure and reveal exactly how I killed the victim. I don’t think of myself sitting at a computer and opening up to the blog-o-sphere about the haunts of my inner soul. My confession could be trivial and materialistic; it could be completely stupid and unoriginal, and be reduced down to an embarrassing guilty pleasure.

But I like to think I’m a bit classier than that way of thinking, so we’ll go with vulnerability.

So, my confession: I secretly wish I could be a stay-at-home mom.

I realize that this goes against everything I talk about, but we’re back to being vulnerable and honest about how I really feel. I wish I could have a bunch of kids so that I could stay home with them and be the best mother I possibly can be. Of course, they’d get older, and I would take on jobs that supplement my time with them, but they would be my first priority, not my career.

How’s that for a strong shot of honesty?

Did I surprise anyone?

I’ve never actually admitted this to anyone, so what could be bad about announcing it for the first time online to all my followers (all seven of you!)?

Anyway, it is a confession because I feel like I can’t tell people that this particular dream is one I hold ridiculously close to my heart. It bothers me that I can’t be completely honest about my feelings on that matter, and I have to say that I put up a pretty convincing front when it comes to discussing it with others. What am I supposed to do? Is it possible to be convinced that you are going to change the world, all the while hoping that you can have the opportunity to devote your life to your kids?

I’ve always been under the impression that you really can’t have it all. The older I get, the more I realize just how much truth is behind that conception. What if I can’t have everything that I want? Better yet, what I never even have the chance to be a mom? There are so many factors that will affect whether or not this dream will ever be a remote possibility, and frankly I don’t want to spend my days wondering whether or not it will ever come true.

So there you have it; vulnerability, sheer Honesty, and an unexpected confession the mind of Lindsey. Seriously, I’m curious as to what people initially hoped for when they read that today’s challenge was to write a confession. I know many of you hoped that I would surrender the secrets of the universe, and I’m so sorry to disappoint you. But this was a secret from my universe, and it’s knowledge holds more value than anything else I’d say.

#My500Words Challenge: Day 20

The Challenge

Write about justice

The 500 Words

When I think of justice, I think about someone who has been wronged and deserves retribution. I pretty much always thought that it was always good v. bad and how when the good person was punished, it was someone’s duty to remedy to mistake so that the bad person could be punished.

Boy, have I learned something new!

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Justice cannot be for one side alone, but must be for both.” She also said, “When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?” She was an extraordinary woman, and her insight gives me new meaning to the word ‘justice.’

‘Good’ and ‘bad’ are not simply black and white concepts. It has taken me a long time to understand the concept of seeing things in shades of grey, and it is definitely something that I want to pass on to my kids someday. It was something my dad always tried to explain to me, but it never took until I was older.

Ms. Roosevelt reminds us that justice is most certainly not one-sided. I know that I have been at fault for denying justice to one party during an argument that I was not a part of. It is not my place to judge, but I can assess and determine my position after I’ve heard both sides of a story. I can decide for myself, and then I can stand by my choice.

The second quote relates to my current experience with my graduate program; many of us are studying Community Leadership because we want to save the world. I was never one to think that the world as a whole was in despair, only that there were a few areas that I thought I had thoughts on improving. There is so much justice in preventing misery, and there are some communities that are in serious need of some justice right now. I know that by studying in this program, I will gather the tools I need to foster justice in communities wherever I go, because I know that I am that kind of person.

I guess when I think of justice, I also think that means standing up for the little guy who can’t stand up for themselves. This is a misconception. You should always stand up for what’s right, regardless. When you stand up together, you become a team.

Anyway, I guess my overall point in this is how justice should be taken seriously and proved more often in our communities today. Stand up for yourself, because what you have to say does matter. Stand up for others if you believe it to be right, because what they have to say matters as well. Believe in things, fight for the right to believe in them, and just try to make the world a better place. They world needs people like that, otherwise it is simply going to hell in a hand basket. We can do it.

#My500Words Challenge: Day 19

The Challenge

Steal someone's voice

The 500 Words

Stealing the voice of another writer just seems wrong to me. I understand the purpose of the writing exercise, but I would hate to think that my voice could be so easily replicated and/or imitated. It sort of detracts from the notion that a writer’s voice is authentic and stands out. It defeats the purpose, does it not?

So to make things more interesting, I’m going to take a basic observation and write it from the POV of four of my characters: Lindsey Bennett, Boston Mansfield, Meredith Mansfield, and Louise Holt. The observation is when a girl who won a state beauty pageant does a presentation for their office.

Lindsey

She was pretty, like a ridiculously perfect kind of pretty. Her hair was perfectly coifed, her make-up was flawless, and her outfit had been assembled to compliment her in every conceivable way. The way she spoke suggested confidence, but there was a slight hint of insecurity; this girl was definitely out of her element, but she did her absolute best to hold herself together. Lindsey had to give her props for pushing through, especially because the girl could tell she was being judged. Still, Lindsey had a feeling that all it would take to break her would be a strong handshake.

Boston

She kept throwing him “smizing” glances, and he could tell she thought he was cute. He could usually tell when a girl was showing interest. Unfortunately they usually only cared because he was cute, not because he had a stellar personality. The minute they learned he was a comic book nerd the good looks lost their appeal. He wondered which superhero she would dress up as if given the opportunity. His money was on the damsel in distress, the girl who dreamed of being rescued. Too bad that wasn’t his type. He wanted a Wonder Woman, not a mere Lois Lane.

Meredith

Nerves. That’s what this girl was feeling. While her face gave the impression that she was ready for anything, her eyes weren’t quite in agreement. Her voice was strong, and as she continued to speak to them, she became a bit more grounded. She smiled brightly, laughed at herself occasionally, and made sure to ask for feedback along the way. She seemed nice enough, but she needed to have a little more bite if she wanted to make it in this business.

Louise

If sunshine could take human form, this girl would definitely be a front-runner. She radiated optimism and light like Louise wished she could. Sure, Louise was charming and witty, but people like this girl had a genuine sincerity about them. Not to say Louise wasn’t sincere, but being an actor always brought in the question of authenticity. This girl was inspiring, she had to be if she won a pageant, and that was something Louise couldn’t help but hate her for. Love-hate; she loved the way this girl could make you feel, but hated that she couldn’t replicate that same kind of feeling.

#My500Words Challenge: Day 18

The Challenge

Write about waiting

The 500 Words

I feel like I do a lot of waiting. I’m probably one of the most impatient people ever, at least that is what so many people tell me. But is anyone ever really patient? The waiting for things makes me crazy, because I’d just assume get something over with instead of sitting around contemplating the various ways it could or might turn out. School is probably the one thing that tries my patience and my coping methods the most.

The most prominent waiting period I’ve experienced in the last year was when I was waiting to hear about graduate school at the University of Utah. The deadline to apply was at the end of January, and they would email their decisions at the end of February.

I distinctly remember telling myself that until it was February, I wouldn’t bother worrying yet. It was nice to have a plan, because looking back, I can’t imagine letting myself freak out for that long of time without making myself ill. Finally, I decided to call the department and ask about when the committee was meeting. They weren’t meeting until the end of February, and then they would email out their decision.

I began to worry the day after the committee met, and it was three days later that I got my letter. Those three days nearly killed me. Waiting for someone else to tell me what my future would be, I had no control, I’d done everything I could. All that was left to do was to sit, and wait.

I guess, for me, waiting implies doing nothing. Unfortunately, the only thing you can really do while you wait is worry about what is coming, or simply distract yourself by staying busy. I feel like in this case, I did both and for far too long. I spend way too much of my time contemplating every single kind of scenario, only to have things work out in a way that I didn’t expect anyway.

I tried to write during my wait. I tried to brainstorm, theorize, and creatively out think what I had chosen to inflict upon myself. And by that, I mean, I decided to apply for something, therefore I had to wait to find out (unless I suddenly didn’t care, which might be something I should start doing).

Maybe I should stop taking all of these choices so seriously. I need to remember that everything is an option. I can do anything. I will always have options. Maybe I need to employ the phrase “Don’t put all your eggs into one basket.” This should be my new mantra, and maybe the next time I’m waiting for something, I won’t feel the need to attempt to think of every kind of option before a decision is made.

There are better ways to spend waiting time other than worrying, and maybe I need to combo attack those thoughts by not caring as much and by using better distraction techniques. It can be done.

#My500Words Challenge: Day 17

The Challenge

Pick a fight

The 500 Words

Public education in Utah should be amazing. I mean, we probably have the most children, and we should be investing good resources into them so that they have the ability to solve problems as they grow up.

That is not the reality.

I grew up in Rose Park, a very diverse area of Salt Lake City. While I appreciate the diversity, I don’t appreciate how my old schools face budget cuts or lack of funding for the programs that I consider necessary. For example, home economics is a life skill staple. I recently learned that my former home econ teacher, who is outstanding by the way, that her budget was cut in half.

Upon hearing about the budget, I was crazed, mostly because her curriculum is important, and the fact that basic life skills are being disregarded. Seventh and eighth grade are the years where you learn how to study; it prepares you for high school, which in turn prepares you for college.

I don’t understand why the budgets are so hard to balance. I mean students are entitled to have a well-rounded education where they have the opportunity to learn all things. No one subject or area of study is more important than another. The purpose of school is to educate, and students should feel that by the time they finish their schooling at age 18, they will be better equipped to think for themselves and take care of themselves, academically and practically.

Areas within the school district that are in more diverse areas tend to have less funding than those on the east side. I think a large factor in that is the lack of education provided by the parents. Low-income areas tend to be inhabited by adults with limited educational backgrounds. They do not know what the standard for quality education is, therefore they do not question the budgetary choices made by the administration.

This vicious cycle needs to end. Everybody is required to attend school as children, therefore they should receive the highest quality of learning that they are able to.  Everyone should be able to understand the basics of mathematics, science, technology skills, reading, writing, home economics, foreign language, basic art skills relating to spatial awareness and understanding the concepts and theories of art, music, and performance art/public speaking.

Personally, I feel that students at my former middle school are being deprived of a proper education. They are going to high school without the necessary tools to succeed. The system is setting them up to fall short of the standard expectation for knowledge. It is so bad that these students are unable to think for themselves, falling into the same kind of pattern that will keep them in low-income areas.

We need to break the cycle.

Schools like this need to have proper resources to teach their students, otherwise they are just paying people to pass the time while the students learn nothing to better themselves. Education provides choices; do not take away their choices.

#My500Words Challenge: Day 16

The Challenge

Turn your insecurities into inspiration

The 500 Words

My insecurities. Boy do I have a lot of them. Although, how insecure can I really be if I’m willing to be so blatant in admitting them?

I care way too much about what other people think. I have a very specific picture in my head of how I want people to see me. Unfortunately, it’s not just one picture that’ sin my head, there a definitely a few fighting to be number one.

The Professional Preppy

This is the me who wears pencil skirts, cardigans, pearls, high heels, and wants to take over the world by morning. The me who plans out absolutely everything, relishes making to-do lists, and has a fifteen-year plan.

This version of me is going to be the Dean of something one day. She will also have a home on Sugarhouse, and a condo on Park City. Her kids will be beautiful and proper, one boy and one girl, and her dog will be her running buddy as she trains for various marathons.

She is the me that wants to run the world, and really doesn’t care what she needs to do in order to make that happen.

The Spiritual Ray of Sunshine

This is the me who wears pink and white flowy dresses and flip-flops. The me whose disposition is sunny and cheerful and determined to bring joy and light to everyone around her. Someone who has unshakeable faith in the universe and holding firm to the belief that everything will work out.

This version of me is going to have, like, five children, and they will be her world. She will be a mom who stays home with her kids and who works at their elementary school part of the time. She’ll teach Sunday School, run the PTA, and never question whether or not she missed her callings in life.

The Rebellious Artist

This is the me who wears a lot of black, wears her hair natural and messy, and has tattoos and piercings. The me who writes about everything, paints the spectrum of my feelings on canvas, and flourishes in the hipster scene. The me who loves her iPhone and her MacBook Pro and hangs out in coffee shops to catch all the local poetry slams.

This version of me is going to end up buying her downtown condo to raise her only child daughter and her pair of kittens. Her daughter will have a very clear sense of self. Art and Logic go together, without the two there will be no balance. She is creatively fulfilled.

Each of these pictures make up a part of me; my insecurities stem from the idea that I can’t be each of these people, that I have to choose one and only one.

I shouldn’t have to choose. I should be free to be the most amazing version of myself that I can dream up. No one should ever feel like they have to compromise a piece of them in order to be something else.

#My500Words Challenge: Day 15

The Challenge

How do you feel about writing

The 500 Words

I have to say that when I started this challenge, I really wasn’t sure what to expect. I mean, getting a daily email that tells you what to write? Who does that? I mean, really, shouldn’t I be a good enough writer that I don’t need someone to hold my hand for 30 days in order to prove it to myself?

I was wrong.

The prompts/challenges were nothing like I expected. They were vague and general, and I thought, “What is it that you really want me to write?” But I have had fun with the challenges, embracing the vagueness and filling in the blanks in order to make the best of my five hundred words. I definitely think that I write better on a whim because of it. I’m also getting at recognizing word count on sight; I know what five hundred words looks like.

I don’t know what I expected, or even if I am right to have any kind of expectations when I go through my daily dealings. This isn’t the first time where I’ve been asked to elaborate on what I thought something would be like. I think I need to learn to have a little more faith and trust the world a little bit more.

Is it possible to use writing to believe? What about growing your faith? Or to cultivate hope? Can I really write my way to happiness? I think that was the real challenge that I embraced 15 days ago.

I have said before how much I love writing. I don’t even really understand why, but then again, I’ve never really felt the need to question it. It is my greatest talent. Why would anyone question their talents? I’m promising myself right now: I will no longer question or forget to recognize my talent. Writing is my passion, but I really want to be my superpower.

Superheroes have superpowers most of the time, and they use their powers to save others and change the world for the better. I want my writing to change the world for the better. I want to inspire others to cultivate their own kind of superpower. Is that really such an outrageous thing to hope for?

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton was the root of my writing aspirations. I learned that the author was not only a girl, but she was only 19 when she wrote her story. If she could write at such a young age, why couldn’t I write stories too? Couldn’t I write something that inspires the next young girl to cultivate her superpower too?

In theory, I can do anything. People have told me this all my life. I’m not a stranger to ever hearing that sentence, but I don’t know if I’ve ever believed it. I’m going to start believing it. Why is it so challenging?

Maybe it’s time to start embracing the challenges and unlock my true potential. Who knows what can really be accomplished if that happens? Well, let’s see.