Being "Vulnerable"

I recently gained an understanding for my deep rooted affection for music and art. They are expressions that go beyond the spoken word. How a musical track can intensify a feeling with no words, it is truly astounding. I think many people consider me an expressive person, but I have a challenging time expressing myself when I am hurt. My insecurities consume me, and I fail to articulate the truths because I am unable to be vulnerable.

I have a hard time being vulnerable, because I associate it with being "weak." That does not mean I think anyone who is vulnerable is weak; it simply means that when I allow myself to be vulnerable, I have to sacrifice my strength and I feel like a weaker version of myself. I don't like feeling weak, because it feels a lot like "helpless."

I always think back to the Disney movie Hercules when I think about being vulnerable. Meg was in danger, and Hercules traded away his immortal strength to save her. Hades took his strength and proceeded to torture him. Hercules risked what made him who he was because he loved someone, and then immediately found out he'd been deceived by the object of his affection. He was now emotionally and physically vulnerable but he still has a job to do. This has always resonated strongly with me.

To me, letting myself be vulnerable means temporarily sacrificing my strength. I guess I believe that without my strength, I won't mean as much to other people; I will be of no value if I am weak. I would need to depend on someone else to make it through a rough patch. I don't make a habit of depending on other people, because people don't always stay.

My latest relationship was a practice and test in my own vulnerability. I have to say, I learned that opening up to someone is not as utterly terrifying as it always seemed in the past. There was a certain level of trust, and that helped me ease into expressing my vulnerability without feeling "weak." While I'm devastated the relationship didn't progress further, I realized how much it helped me grow as a person on a deep emotional level. Even writing this post is a challenge; for some reason the words just don't match the gusto of the feeling behind them.

I guess we all have things we're trying to work on.

I believe

I know what you're thinking, but no, this is not a religious post. Religion is super personal to me and I don't always feel compelled to broadcast my religious thoughts into the blog-o-sphere.

In the aftermath of my break-up, I've had a lot of time to focus on myself. Lucky for me, one of my MBA papers is a reflection on my best self. So, I've assembled a shortlist of what I believe/stand for:

I believe in laughter; it truly is the best medicine for what ails you. Now, the content that makes you laugh is your own preference, but a good laugh can definitely put some sparkle in your smile.

I believe in education; everybody should have the right to learn, and everyone should have access to high-quality learning tools (teaching resources, books, technology, etc).

I believe in writing; the ability to relate to others without speaking is amazing. I love that people can relate to me and I with them because I choose to write down my words.

I believe in balance; you can do everything, just not all at once. Staying balanced gives you peace-of-mind to accompany your well-rounded-ness.

I believe in hugs; they bridge the gap when your words fall short, and they promote comfort and affection (and we all could use some more of that, am I right?).

I believe in honesty; lies just aren't worth it in the long run, which is why I try to be straight forward when I articulate my thoughts and concerns.

I believe in being classy; own your words and actions, say what you mean in the appropriate time and place.

I believe in working hard; my work ethic is the jewel in my crown of accomplishments.

I believe in friendship; look out for your friends, love them immensely, especially when they need it the most. Don't turn your back on the people you love, be in it for the long run.

I believe in music; whether it is the soundtrack to my life, or just the current track during Zumba. It is an expression that deserves to be celebrated in some way shape or form.


I believe.

I believe that I am a good person.

I am motivated, resourceful, creative, and understanding.

I am the girl who wants to learn solely so that she can share her knowledge with the world.

I'm the girl who will never stop moving forward.

I believe, and I am me.

Concentrating Inspiration

I've had a lot of time to ponder my authenticity lately. It is all part of a leadership exercise that helps me determine my leadership style, and overall it's been quite interesting. So I thought I'd share some of my personal insights.

First of all, who am I? Not just as a leader, but who am I as a person?

I thought for sure that writer was at the top of my list, but then I began to delve into the reasons why I write. What do I write about? Why do I write about it? And you know what I discovered? I write because I've had this certain kind of experience, and I want to share it.

So, who am I?

I'm a girl who wants to share her findings with the world. I want people to read my words and know that they are not alone when they go through something. I want people to be able to relate to me. As a writer, I think of my life not as a novel in chapters, but a series of short stories with the occasional poem thrown in. If I could title the latest short story of my life, it would be called The Unforeseen Adventure. I never would have pictured myself where I'm at right now, especially six months ago. I'm so much happier with my path because I decided to take a chance on something new.

I'm a girl who is always on the go. I can't sit still to save my life, at least mentally. I'm always three weeks ahead of myself, which is why hobbies like piano, painting, and writing are a great way for me to force myself to stay in the moment. Even now when I'm in the thick of my first semester of graduate school, I'm trying to figure out how to finish sooner. I want to learn how to slow down and get the most out of my experiences (so that I can write them, obviously!).

I'm a girl who wants to inspire others. I never thought anyone really paid attention to me; I always considered my "successes" routine for what was expected of me. Aren't you supposed to graduate from high school? Aren't you supposed to get your degree if you go to college? Aren't you supposed to have a job to pay for things (like tuition and your social life)? I mean seriously, I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. As I had to write my personal statements for grad school applications, I was challenged to look at my accomplishments through a different kind of lens. For example, I graduated from high school in the top 7% of my class, served on the school newspaper (3yrs, one as Editor), TV crew, National Honors Society, A'Capella Choir (we placed at State twice!), FCCLA (4yrs), and the Student Senate (1yr). I managed to do all of this and work part-time as a custodian during my senior year. That was only high school!

In college, I graduated in only 3yrs! During those three years, I was always a full-time student and worked at least 20hrs a week. I had a handful of scholarships, lived on campus my last year in a Learning Community, and graduated debt-free. Also, I had three internships, all were paid! I'm proud to say that I paid my way through school.

Now in graduate school, I work full-time during the day, and attend classes full-time at night. I am at the halfway mark in the semester, and I have four more to go before I can official say: Lindsey Larsen, MA in Community Leadership. In addition to school and work, I take piano lessons every other week, and I paint with acrylics in my free time.

Even I'm surprised at how much I actually do; I guess some people find it a bit intimidating.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I simply thought I was a writer when I started thinking about who I am. Turns out, that's just the tip of the iceberg, and the fascination lies in why I write.

As I conclude this post, I want to share some quotes that I think relate to me that play into the various tales I tell:


"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck."- Dalai Lama

"I figure, if a girl wants to be a legend, she should go ahead and be one."- Calamity Jane

"You live but once, you might as well be amusing."- Coco Chanel

"The problem is not the problem; the problem is your attitude about the problem."- Jack Sparrow


Stay tuned for the second installment of my inspiration concentration!

Blog-related questions

1. Why did you start your blog?

I started Blonde Blusters in my last semester of college. It was summer, and I was finishing up my last two classes while working a student job and a paid internship. I was getting ready to leave for DC at the end of the summer to do my last internship, and I thought it would be a good idea to start documenting life after college. It was a great idea in the long run, because it gave my friends a chance to see what I was always up to even though I was so far away.

2. What is your favorite quote?

"I figure, if a girl wants to be a legend, she should go ahead and be one"- Calamity Jane

3. What does your perfect day consist of?

Being somewhere beautiful when the weather is gorgeous, and being able to paint  or write my day away.

4. What are your pet peeves?

Double-standards, don't get me started.

5. Do you have any guilty pleasures? if so, what are they?

Yes; watching the High School Musical films.

6. Who inspires you?

Audrey Hepburn, Reba McEntire, and Fran Drescher

7. What is the best book you have read recently?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The narrative was different and the main character would've been my best friend in high school.

8. What is your favorite childhood memory?

My brother and I built a time-machine out of wooden blocks, Legos, and a blanket. We must've been age and 8 or something like that. Too bad we didn't stick with our inventing innovations, we could have made some real progress by now.

9. What is your favorite restaurant in the city where you currently live?

Blue Plate Diner

10. If you could travel anywhere in the world right now where would it be and why?

Barcelona, Spain; my brother is in Madrid right now and I'm super jealous that he's having this amazing adventure. Although, mine will consist of more than just one country, it will be a European adventure!

...and so it ends.

We broke up.

I don't want to talk about it.

Here's to the next big adventure.

What's in your backpack: An insight to emotional baggage

Today is Tuesday. I have class tonight. I will spend 12.5 hours in the same building on campus. I do not have a break in between work and class. I have also set aside a study block during my lunch hour. And if I have time, I need to weight train at the gym.

I usually wait until the last minute in the morning to pack my backpack, for fear that I will forget something or forget to unpack something I don't need. Sometimes I forget that the more I put inside my bag, the heavier it gets.

Stuff I absolutely needed for today:

Class notes binder
Book for today's class
Reading notes notebook
Lunchbox
Purse
Water bottle
Sweatshirt

Stuff I wanted to bring as well:

Two books for my other class (so I could study during lunch)
Clean gym clothes (so I could swap out the dirty ones I'd forgotten to bring home on Friday)
My journal (so I could vent my emotional frustrations)

As most of you could guess, there's only so much space in a bag. I loaded my little pink backpack up, and I felt so accomplished when I was finally able to zip it shut. However, as I slung the straps over my shoulders, I immediately felt the full weight of everything I was carrying.

I began walking to work, and noticed that all that extra weight was slowing me down just a bit. As I neared the halfway mark between home and work, it dawned on me that I probably didn't NEED everything I'd packed. I was CHOOSING to carry around things that I might need.

In many ways, my physical backpack is an accurate representation of my emotional baggage. I choose to carry around things that I don't necessarily, but do just in case. I guess a bad habit that one could get into is simply stuffing it to maximum capacity and swapping things out with new stuff as it becomes necessary.

But honestly, carrying around a massively heavy load by choice doesn't seem like the best idea. While the physical backpack may have its benefits, such as leaner leg muscles or a stronger back, I don't think emotional weight has quite the same effect.

Holding onto those things doesn't remove the weight from your back, it just buys you some time until you have to pull it out and decide what to do with it.

What's in my emotional backpack, you ask?

For the longest time I carried around anger, hate, and resentment. My lack of understanding and closure for certain situations weighed my down as I "walked to work." I decided to stop. I acknowledged all of my feelings, rationalized, prioritized, and made a decision. I did not want to carry it anymore.

A caveat to this mindset is that there are some things you cannot really let go of. For example, I tried to employ this mentality as I dealt with my grandmother's death. After almost three years, I've come to understand that this is something I want to keep with me. My grief does not symbolize my inability to deal or move on, it serves as a reminder of my struggle and growth. I won't lie and say I don't feel a twinge of heartache every time I see her picture or remember one of our good times. But I think that when we realize that those experiences make us better people, they no longer weigh us down.

I think my bag was overflowing at one point, and I decided to purge. My desire was to be a better person, and sorting through my emotions helped me understand myself. I knew why things had hurt me, I knew it was a lesson that I needed to learn, and after awhile I understood the purpose of the lesson when I was faced with a new challenge.

So, some questions for you, my devoted audience:

What's in your backpack?

Do you really need it?

Does carrying it around help you become the person you want to be?


I encourage everyone to ponder this idea.
Life is too short to be weighed down.