Never Enough

I'd have to say that my biggest flaw is that I live with the idea that in my most basic of traits, I'm simply not good enough. For years I've sold myself short, humbling myself in the worst way. Not acknowledging my skills and talents, because I was aware of my big failure.

The first boy I ever loved has rejected me. Not once, not twice, but four times in the last 10 years. I was devoted, dedicated, and closed minded. I would do anything for him, anything to prove to him that I was worthy of him.

Truth is, he messed me up real bad. He always kept me at arms length, never committed to me in any way, and I couldn't understand. Friendly observers have pointed out that I let him take advantage of my generosity and never call him out on the fact that he takes me for granted. I guess it always circles back to religion. Am I not enough because I'm not a classic cookie-cutter Mormon girl?

I recently have had the opportunity to explore multiple artistic passions and religious beliefs, and have come to understand that no, I am not enough. I'm more than enough.

Knowing this, why do I still let this relationship failure take up such a large footnote in my history?

I can't let it go. It's complicated. The easiest way to un-complicate it would be to cut off my contact with him. While I thought we remained friends after the first rejection, looking back I understand just how one-sided it was on my part. It circles back to my desire to be worthy of him. Subconsciously, I still seek his approval, though I know I'll never get it. I asked him in the last six months if he thought we would in fact end up together. He said anything was possible. I asked him on a date. He planned it, I paid. We ran into a friend of his and her husband. After we parted, he commented that he hoped they didn't get the wrong idea about him and I. Weeks later, he complained once again that he was single and should be married by now. I literally right in front of him. Ouch.

I requested his time to celebrate the completion of my first graduate class with another friend of ours. He bailed on me at the last possible minute. Despite my pleas for three weeks about how important this was to me, he ignored it and made a choice that solely benefited him. My feelings disregarded because they weren't as important as his desire to go to bed early.

I don't care anymore.

It's time to close the door on this "failure" once and for all. My mistake wasn't being a kind, caring, attentive pseudo-girlfriend. My mistake was thinking it was okay to be taken advantage of and hoping that one day he would appreciate me.

The door is shut, and the lock has clicked.