Dear Bubby...

Dear Bubby,

As I anxiously count down the weeks until my hooding ceremony, I can't ignore the ache in my heart because you aren't around to share this with me. Like with high school and college, you won't be sitting in the crowd cheering me on with the rest of the family, after all you were sick and couldn't make it to the ceremonies. Unlike high school and college, you aren't here at all, making it all the more sad for me. As the first of your grandchildren to graduate college, and the first to get a graduate degree, my heart hurts because I can't share this experience with you.

You left me too soon.

Part of me is angry because of everything you've missed, and even angrier about everything else to come that you'll miss to. I couldn't call you to tell you I got my first real job, when I bought my first car, or when I got into grad school. These things seem so minor in retrospect, but they foreshadowed the big things. I couldn't call you when I fell in love with Sam, or when we got engaged, or see you in our wedding photos.

You weren't there.

As angry as I get at times, I know you're in a better place. If my crime as your granddaughter is selfishly wanting to keep you around, then so be it. I so badly wish you were here so often, it makes me wonder if I've really grieved losing you.

Every time I hit another milestone in my life, my feelings of joy get hit with a wave of sadness. How can I be so happy knowing that I can't share these momentous occasions with you? Part of me believes that you're always with me, but the other part of me is skeptical.

Why these feelings today?

Perhaps it is because I chose to wear a black dress and the pearls you gave me.

Perhaps it is because I find myself trying to channel you when I have to take charge at work.

Perhaps it is because I so badly wish I could hear your voice again.

I don't know.

But I do know that I miss you.

Every day.

Every single day.

Love you lots.

-Linds