As a child

When I was a kid I liked to read a lot of books, which is probably why my greatest fictional heroes were Belle, Hermione, and Matilda. I loved to learn, school came easy for me, and I strongly remember the first moment where I developed my grade superiority complex.

I was in third grade.

My teacher was Miss Kitty.

We were doing timed math problems on half sheets of paper. I'm good at math, especially arithmetic, so I burned through these pretty fast. But there was a mean girl in my class who is at the core of this memory. She was really pretty, but not very nice, and her name was Claudia. She was part of the Latino girl clique in my class that formed when I was in 1st grade and they wouldn't let me play with them.

I'd always wondered why.

As we got older, they became even prettier and meaner.

Anyway, I had already finished my half-sheet of math problems and gotten 100%. Miss Kitty counted the problems and then wrote and circled the letter 'A' at the top by my name. I smugly walked back to my desk and thought, "A's are the very best!"

As per our usual routine, I pulled out a book to read while everyone else finished their problems. I watched Claudia walk up to the teacher and hand her the paper. Once again, Miss Kitty counted the problems and wrote a letter at the top. She wrote a 'B' this time. Claudia didn't even notice what the grade was because she didn't even look. She got back to her desk and began reading a fashion magazine while the rest of her clique struggled with their math problems.

In that moment, I realized that I thought it was more important to be smart than to be pretty. What was the point of being beautiful of you appeared dumb?

In that moment, I wanted to be the best at the one thing I was good at: school. It became my lot in life to get straight A's, all the while thinking that it somehow made me special.

As high school graduation neared, I discovered that straight A's didn't make me special. I wish that people had highlighted some of my other qualities as a child, because I don't feel very special now that I'm not in school anymore and don't get any validation from grades.

I wish people had highlighted acts of kindness, acts of service, words of affirmation, emotional support, etc. Maybe I'd be more well-adjusted if I knew other things that were special about myself besides my brain. Perhaps my creativity or thoughtfulness.

One day, I will practice this wish on my own children.