Being "Vulnerable"

I recently gained an understanding for my deep rooted affection for music and art. They are expressions that go beyond the spoken word. How a musical track can intensify a feeling with no words, it is truly astounding. I think many people consider me an expressive person, but I have a challenging time expressing myself when I am hurt. My insecurities consume me, and I fail to articulate the truths because I am unable to be vulnerable.

I have a hard time being vulnerable, because I associate it with being "weak." That does not mean I think anyone who is vulnerable is weak; it simply means that when I allow myself to be vulnerable, I have to sacrifice my strength and I feel like a weaker version of myself. I don't like feeling weak, because it feels a lot like "helpless."

I always think back to the Disney movie Hercules when I think about being vulnerable. Meg was in danger, and Hercules traded away his immortal strength to save her. Hades took his strength and proceeded to torture him. Hercules risked what made him who he was because he loved someone, and then immediately found out he'd been deceived by the object of his affection. He was now emotionally and physically vulnerable but he still has a job to do. This has always resonated strongly with me.

To me, letting myself be vulnerable means temporarily sacrificing my strength. I guess I believe that without my strength, I won't mean as much to other people; I will be of no value if I am weak. I would need to depend on someone else to make it through a rough patch. I don't make a habit of depending on other people, because people don't always stay.

My latest relationship was a practice and test in my own vulnerability. I have to say, I learned that opening up to someone is not as utterly terrifying as it always seemed in the past. There was a certain level of trust, and that helped me ease into expressing my vulnerability without feeling "weak." While I'm devastated the relationship didn't progress further, I realized how much it helped me grow as a person on a deep emotional level. Even writing this post is a challenge; for some reason the words just don't match the gusto of the feeling behind them.

I guess we all have things we're trying to work on.