Just when you think...

...you have it all figured out, suddenly you don't.

I wasn't accepted into my graduate program.

Yes, it absolutely sucks, especially when you've spent so much time preparing and investing yourself into a particular idea.

Let me back up for a sec.

I applied in December, the deadline was in January, the committee decided in February. I was prepared, my app materials were solid, my statement unique, and my letters of req glowing. As this week drew to a close, I knew the email was coming. I was riddled with so much anxiety that I spent the majority of the week in a Xanax-induced haze to prevent an unnecessary panic attack triggers. That alone made me nuts, the prescription has it's own problematic side effects.

Anyway, I had a 4-hr CPR training for work on Thursday morning. I returned around noon and swag that email had arrived. I opened it, and I knew. The short length of the attached letter said so much without saying anything other than "Sorry, but thanks for applying." I stood at my desk for about 10 seconds before my supervisor asked me what was up.

"I didn't get in."

My shock wore off and the tears began to pour down my face. She went into mom-mode and hugged me. I was disappointed and embarrassed. I had a surge of feelings that I needed to deal with, and I really didn't want it to play out at work.

Needless to say, dealing with the rejection isn't really all that bad, but having to tell your family and friends forces you to relive the rejection every single time. Although seeing the shock on their faces when I tell them reassures me that nobody saw that coming. I honestly thought I'd get in, because I'm clearly demonstrating my ability and passion for the field.

Currently in my leadership class (taken through the department that rejected me), we are branding ourselves as leaders. I love the course, the content is relevant and my budding passion is blossoming into well-developed potential. Most of the class doesn't quite see it the same way I do.

I don't fit in a box, I never have and I never will. Why did I think this would be any different? I can definitely hold my own with this class that is graduating in May, and I can do it without complaining every week. I'll be honest and say that I counted the number of pages I was assigned to read all semester, and it was exactly 1000. But I never mentioned it to my instructor/boss ever again. She knows what she's doing, she's trying to teach us how to succeed in this field. Am I the only one who gets that?

Regardless, I feel relief. I'm not trying to force myself to fit inside a box anymore.

The best part? Everyone is simply clamoring to see what ridiculously random thing I'm going to do next.