love yourself...so others can love you?

One of my favorite stories/movies/musicals is Rent, a fantastic rock musical about love, disease, protesting what's right, and struggling to leave a mark on the world. There's a very poignant line, Roger tells Mimi, "You'll never share real love until you love yourself."

It got me thinking about whether or not I feel enough self-love. Most of the time, I do. I try my best to keep a certain balance (work, school, family, hobbies, friends, religion, exercise, etc), and that balance determines whether or not I'm giving myself priority.

Here's the problem I've noticed: our society equates feeling good to looking good. Nearly every single day, I see post after post in my Facebook news feed about people losing weight and getting in shape (which is great, don't get me wrong, I advocate sharing your personal accomplishments on social media as opposed to airing your dirty laundry). The message feels like "if you love yourself, you'll eat clean and exercise every single day, and then you'll look great!"

So, what if you do love yourself, but still aren't "skinny and beautiful?"

Is how you look correlated with how you feel about yourself?

For example, I really can't stand the taste of veggies. They are bitter, the consistency of cooked veggies grosses me out, and if I do eat a proper serving size my stomach can't settle and I feel nauseated. Because of this, I eat more carbs. So I know that I will probably never be smaller than a sz8 no matter how much I exercise.

BUT...

I eat lots of fruit, balance my carbs with protein and healthy fats, drink lots of water, avoid soda, cook everything myself, don't buy junk food, and only eat out on occasion. I go to full-body work-out classes, yoga classes, and weight train on my own at least once a week to strengthen my back and core. My husband and I are planning to take up yoga together (I've never been a fan until this past week when it really helped me calm down after a stressful day) so we can have a physical fitness couples hobby.

Do I think I'd be happier if I somehow convinced myself to go vegetarian? Or if I jumped on bandwagon for all the exercise programs my friends keep talking about? Shouldn't the fact that I exercise 3x a week for 30-60min and cook everything myself be enough?

But wait, I must not love myself enough unless I'm willing to do X, Y, and Z.

So, what does loving yourself really look like?

Honestly, making it to a Zumba class after a rough day, picking up a pint of peanut butter cup ice cream, and reading a chapter of a new book is my personal version of wooing myself.

Why does loving myself have to do with looking beautiful?
Does being beautiful make you love me?
Will being beautiful make more people love me?
How many people need to love me before it's acceptable to be happy?

I don't consider myself to be beautiful. I learned a long time ago that girls with round faces, glasses, frizzy hair, bigger noses, short torsos, and child-baring hips are not beautiful. If I had lasik, chemically straightened hair, a nose job, and lost 30lbs, would I be beautiful?

When does my standard of self-love mean I am truly happy to the rest of society?

I've spent most of life being told what's physically imperfect about myself, but not to worry because I can change myself if I'm not what I want to be. Seriously, whatever you think is wrong with you, it can be corrected, for a price.

Well, I don't think that other people's opinions (good or bad) should determine my happiness. People's ability to love others shouldn't be conditional regarding physical appearance.

If I want to eat my ice cream, let me! As long as I keep my life in balance, why should it matter to anyone but me? I make my choices, but I own them too!

I love myself enough to allow indulgences, but the love is strong enough to understand that too much of an indulgence can hurt me.

I love myself enough to get a massage if I have a knot in my back that I just can't reach.

I love myself enough to talk about my feelings when something is bothering me (as opposed to bottled it up and creating anxiety).

As much as we encourage "self love," we promote "self hate" much more frequently. We should love ourselves as is, so we can learn to love others as is. Women shouldn't feel like they aren't worthy of their own love unless they conform. Girls shouldn't grow up reading their news feeds and equating looking good to feeling good.

I can't wait to ask my future daughter about what made her feel good that day.

How you feel about yourself should be the most important. If you feel good, then great, you don't need to tell me why, all that matter is you know why.