differently

What do I wish my parents did differently while raising me?

I really don't have many complaints about how I was raised. I had both parents, two brothers, multiple cats, my grandparents, and a best friend who lived across the street. We lived in a house, we had two cars, and the refrigerator was always full. I practically grew up in a daycare where I had several moms, and easily felt like the cream of the crop. Aside from being a bit socially awkward and struggling to make friends (mostly because most kids thought I was a smarty-pants show-off, and there's definitely a half-truth to that), I was pretty solid.

Regardless, the one thing I wish had been different was learning how to process and express my emotions (positive or negative) in a healthy way.

My family's volume for communication is loud. We yell for each other throughout the house instead of going to the same room to talk to them. Many private conversations become public knowledge depending on the day and who you decide to tell.

So anyway, we yell. A lot. You would think that when we are mad, we would also yell a lot. Usually something escalates from a loud argument to a blowup.

That wasn't the problem.

The problem I noticed was that too often we would blowup and nothing would get resolved. Every argument was like shaking a snow globe, we would just go back to the way we were after the dust settled.

It wasn't until after college when I realized that wasn't the healthiest way to communicate. I'd done several years of counseling after my Bubby died, and learned that I had been holding in my emotions to the point where they would come barreling out whenever a loud argument was happening. If I could learn to express my feelings as they come instead of bottling them up, I could prevent myself from having a blowup.

The practice wasn't so hard once I got the hang of it, in fact, I don't think my marriage would be as comforting or enjoyable if I hadn't learned this. The problem was that I was the only person in my family subscribing to the practice. Talk about frustrating. I was starting to think my practice was pointless and that I was an island unto myself in my own little angsty world.

But then I saw how it works!

I was on vacation with my in-laws last year when I noticed something that was bothering me about the dynamic. I told my husband, who encouraged me to mention it to my mother-in-law. I was afraid to do so, mostly because I expected a blowup (and I didn't want to jeopardize my relationship with her by coming across as whining or negative). Somehow I managed to bring it up with her, and within two hours I noticed a difference.

I was floored! I expressed my amazement to Sam, who basically told me that the only way to solve a problem is to ask for help.

I'm doing a lot better in regard to preventing an emotional buildup, which comes in handy every month when the hormones are running wild and I know that I am actually okay even though I feel like I'm not.

We definitely plan on using this practice with our own children.