Life with Truman post-delivery

I suffer from terrible, terrible anxiety.

It literally hurts me in so many ways.

Stress isn't just stress for me, I obsess about how to make it stop and end up making it worse. This stress translates into my organization power, because I figure if I have it all laid out on my terms, it won't escalate to the point where I can't control it. 

I refuse to give up my control.

Truman being finished is just what I needed. My eye twitch is gone, I stopped having constant panic-attacks and I finally wake up without still feeling exhausted. The last two months have hurt me, both emotionally and physically. The stress from school, work, and extra curricular activities was almost too much. People don't understand that I don't naturally know how to cope with stress, coping becomes a chore unto itself.

But even though Truman is "born" and no longer a problem for my mental state, I still have my budgeting class.

A lot of people don't know that I got so far ahead of writing Truman because I was having such a hard time in my budgeting class. I sought extra help, study groups, even advice from legit CPAs, and even meetings with my professor would help.

I bombed my midterm and it crushed me. I almost gave myself an ulcer trying to do my project early whilst also working on Truman.

The last two months were SO challenging, especially because I needed so much extra emotional support. I frequently cried myself to sleep because it all just felt like too much.


Additionally, I've been suffering from the Impostor Phenomenon (definition below, courtesy of Wikipedia)

• Impostor syndrome (also spelled imposter syndrome, also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a term coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

So, even though Truman was finished early, I felt like he wasn't legit.

Talk about a killjoy.

Of course, I couldn't talk about this with anyone at school. We were all struggling with different challenges, and I seriously doubted anyone was interested in hearing about my problems when it seemed like I had no right to be as stressed as they were.

So today I will take my final (two and a half days early), which meant forcing myself to study instead of doing fun things (like celebrate the fact that my thesis had been approved and my defense passed).

I'm ready to be done with this class, but more importantly I'm ready to be finished with this program so I can move on with my life.

Wish me luck.